Growing up being a male, I was taught to be strong. Sterotyped to be a non-emotional robot. I was taught to have affection and compassion, but dont show to much. To have a hard exterior, that the sharpest spear couldn't piercee. I was raised as a boy with the thought that anything less, meant i wasn't a man. I was raised with the notion only girls had the right to have feelings. Boys? We were tough. When we fell down, and scraped our knee, we had to get up and put some dirt on it because boys don't cry.
Then I grew up and hit adolescence. Only real men play sports, the more contact there is the better. I'm on the football field, and I get speared by a hindsight block.
"Coooach!" I gasped and moaned. While pathetically trying to gain the wind that was knocked out of me.
"I can't breathe. Please, give me a second." I cried out in pain.
"ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME?" The coach would scream from the sidelines.
" WERE DOWN BY 3, WITH 2 MINUTES LEFT, AND YOU NEED A SECOND? HOW ABOUT YOU TAKE YOUR PADS OFF AND GO CHEER WITH THE GIRLS. STOP BEING A F***ING P**SSY, AND SUCK IT UP."
He wasn't interested in my pain and tears. This is football. This is what the biggest, strongest, toughest S.O.B.'s did. No room for weakness.
One night I was walking to the bus after a loss. It was the night of the championship game. I'm thinking about all I have sacrificed for that night. My time, my social life, that extra couple hours to study for that big test the next day. All the blood, sweat and tears that came from my body, to be a winner. 2-a days in the blistering heat and humidity, practicing through all my aches and injuries. All of that is running through my mind, and I can't help but feel that my team was short changed and should have won. I bawled my eyes out. Out of frustration and sadness. The coach comes to me, not as aggressive as when he's on the field. But he tells me to suck it up. There's always next year. Basically that my feelings don't matter. I'm a man, we don't cry. No weaknesses.
Heres a little secret I'm gonna let you in on. DADDIES CRY. Reasons? It could be many, but DADDIES CRY. Take what i wrote above into account, with all of that being said.
Maybe DADDIES CRY because our whole life, up until the seconds of our childs birth we never experienced a love, with such meaning, and precision as we did when you were born. I know I never did. I know i had never experienced the emotions of happiness i felt the second after the doctor put you in your mothers arms. I started to bawl my eyes out, tears of joy baby boy, don't worry. But It was at that exact moment in time, i had witnessed a miracle. You changed my life forever. You were all bloody and covered in stuff i couldn't even begin to tell you the name of, but it didn't matter. You were the most beautiful thing i had ever laid my eyes on in my short 22 years of life. My beautiful, perfect baby boy, who was the final puzzle piece to my, yet unsatisfying life. You completed me. Remember it's okay for daddies to cry.
Maybe DADDIES CRY because they want to be apart of every important aspect of their childrens life. I know I do. I remember the first big holiday you were alive for. Easter. Not exactly my favorite holiday, but easter of 2015 was a monumental day for you and myself. That I, til the day i take my last breath, will never forget. Times were tough for me and mommy. Money was tight, and our rent was due the day after easter. So daddy woke up, seen you for a little bit that morning, hugged and kissed you goodbye and headed to work. I picked up an open to close shift that easter, because daddy wasn't gonna let us get evicted. What a relief, I made enough for the rest of our rent. So I got off, got a money order, and paid our rent. I got home, i knew you would be asleep. I wasn't quite expecting mommy to be, but I know your little butt probably gave her hell that day :). So there you both were, all nestled up together on the couch. So I went in to mine and mommys bedroom, and cried my eyes out. See, daddy felt guilty. He should had planned his money better so he didn't have to be gone all day on your first holiday. I have, and never will forgive myself for that, baby boy. But remember it's okay for daddies to cry.
Maybe DADDIES CRY because they want to give their kids the world. But they aren't equipped to give it to them. So they find ways they can at least try. I know I have. I figured if i can't give you the world, I can at least give you the next best thing. A DADDY who you can look up to, and be proud of. A DADDY that you would want to grow up to be like one day, so you can give yourself, and my grand kids the world. DADDY has cried over this baby boy. I have cried knowing that I have failed you. That i can honestly say, if you were to adapt the traits of myself I hate, i would not be proud of the man I allowed you to be. Just know that DADDY will do everything he can to write his wrongs and make you proud. That's a promise that DADDY will keep and never give up on. I don't care if it takes moving heaven and earth, selling my soul to the devil. I will never do anything to disappoint you again. But remember, when your a DADDY one day, it's always okay for DADDIES to cry.
Finally, maybe DADDIES CRY because the very thought of not being able to see their children hurts. It scares them to ever think that the one thing in their life that means the most to them, might not be there. I know I have cried at this very thought. Heres a little secret I'm gonna let you in on, baby boy. DADDY is living that nightmare, and DADDY has been crying from the moment I had to leave you. DADDY has been crying since I walked out of that courtroom, and went back to his holding cell. It was at that moment, as I passed through the door, while being walked back that my eyes swelled up with tears. The very thought that your DADDY, your superman. The man who would beat any monster who dare hide in your closet, or under your bed and scare you, feared. My biggest fear in life. That thought, became a reality. Remember how i said the day you were born you were the missing puzzle piece, that you completed me? Well DADDIES broken without you. Im superman, and your absence in my life is my kryptonite. Remember how I said I wanted to be a part of every aspect of your life, and how I would never forgive myself for missing your first holiday? Well DADDY will never forgive himself for breaking our family up, and not being there to watch you grow. Remember how I said i wanted to be a man you were proud of, and you wanted to be like? Well DADDY prays you're never like me, and hates himself for disappointing you. I know you're to young to remember. But i cant help feel like you know what's going on. That you are starting to realize that I'm not home. And I hate it. I would give my last breath, as long as i could spend it with you. Now always remember, no matter what the future holds. I will always be your DADDY, and I will never stop loving you. I'm thinking of you always and as long as i have your love, that's all i will need, until the end of time. DADDY loves you baby boy, and remember, it's okay for DADDIES to cry....
