Dear Fellow classmates,
Before, I go into my experience you are probably wondering how can fashion relate to language, but through my experience you will have a better understanding of FAASL(Fashion As A Second Language) and how it helped me. Just keep in mind what Amy Tan mentioned about language causing judgement to the readers. Likewise, fashion causes judgement from people because it can tell the type of person you are just by the clothing you have on. Thus, people create wrong impressions and hate.
It was the summer of daisy dukes, floral tops, and long dresses. Every fashionista either owned one or was borrowing it from their sister. Instead, I was preparing to go to a leadership conference. This was the first summer I would be travelling without the comfort of my mother....
Fashion
Dear Fashion Designers of the World,
What have I done to you to deserve the cropped jacket? For sure it's a cute piece, and I've noticed your undying efforts to get it placed in basically every major magazine I read. I can't avoid the cropped jacket. It's everywhere. The next thing I know, it will be turning up in my sleep.
It looks so good on models. "A must-have for fall/winter!" all the magazines cry. Oh, a must have? Well, then, I must have it! Except on me, it looks ridiculous. Mind you, I am not a big person. I think I'm pretty average. Maybe even on the smaller side of average. I'm average height for sure. And when I wear this cropped demon, it makes me look like I've been shopping in the wrong section at Old Navy.
Actually, I take that back. See, the cropped jacket that...
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Dear fashion industry,
Today, I spotted this gorgeous dress, navy with teal and purple swirls of color mixed in. It fit like a glove. The pattern was seemingly designed around my taste and coloring. I squealed with delight when I spotted it across the store.
Upon getting within 30 feet of it, I realized it was a maxidress. Which, in the unflattering clothing choice rankings of all time, fit somewhere between J. Simpson's high waisted jeans:
Fit aside, I also double dare you to find someone with electricity and running water who has a burning desire to cover their legs in the summertime.
Because you asshats cannot get it together and design dresses that actually flatter more than .1% of the U.S. population, I've decided to take matters into my own hands. I bought the dress....
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Dear Fashion Retailers
I was recently on your website shopping. I was excited to see you offer apparel in plus sizes. My level of excitement quickly diminished when I saw your selection of models. Seriously, your talent search agency couldn’t find a plus size model to model your plus size clothing line. I applaud your company for offering plus size apparel for ladies like myself. Also pleased that your company recognizes the global market, demands, and revenue plus size women make up. However, I have reason to believe, you don’t truly get it.
Let’s travel back to Marketing 101 and Communications 101, shall we. The main lesson taught is “KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE”. What is the message you want to convey? What points do you want your audience to remember? My hope is that if you are...
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Dear Mr. Bailey:
I would like to congratulate you on your Fall/Winter 2010 collection for Burberry. It is quite simply gorgeous. Kudos to you for that. I also admire your graceful embrace of social media. This said, I do have a bone to pick with you.
First, I rather resent the fact that you've made me want to purchase virtually every single item you sent down the runway yesterday from inner wear to outer wear to accessories to foot wear. I may very well have to rob a bank just to afford it all. How irresponsible of you to create such intense longing and desire. During a recession no less!
Second, I have to date made a conscious decision to avoid fur. It's not that I don't love the look of it (let alone the feel) but mine is a principled decision. I have to date been able to remain...
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Dear WAGs,
Firstly, congratulations on landing a footballer for a boyfriend or husband! And going to the Brownlows as a WAG, what a dream, truly! You are living the dream of many girls around the nation. That is why I’m writing to you. Do not blow your chance in the spotlight. Listen carefully to my four rules for dressing at the Brownlows:
1. Choose your bare factor: All girls have breasts, legs, a butt and the rest. Not all of them need to be shown to be noticed. Look sexy by all means, but choose one area to expose and stick to it. Got cleavage? Well go for a long dress. Open back on your dress? Well cover your jugs please. Strapless top? Wear your hair down and cover up down below. It’s all about leaving something to the imagination. If they can see it all, you’re old news...
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Dear Kanye West,
I've purchased a few of your singles over time. I've swung my hips to your rather upbeat music while partying in clubs with friends in London. I've even stomped my feet in time to your tunes while sitting on the side of the catwalk. In October 2011, I wrote a rather lengthy piece defending your first fashion collection. Your love of fashion was admirable. When you could be doing anything with your cash, you were choosing to use fashion as an outlet for your creativity. Who could find fault with that?
Lately, however, your actions have made me question not only my support for you as an artist, it's also made me question your sanity. Time after time you are quoted as believing you are quite literally king of the world. Lesser claims have seen people institutionalized...
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Dear Ms. Lumley:
Congratulations for your spectacularly successful lobbying efforts on behalf of the Gurkhas and their struggle for the right to obtain residency in the U.K. It's refreshing to see someone use their celebrity for something else than flogging some product or another. Kudos for that!
Worthy political causes aside, for me and for countless others you will forever remain the status-seeking, chain-smoking, champagne-swigging, hopelessly twisted fashion editor of Ab Fab fame. Old episodes featuring your drunken antics with Jennifer Saunders still have the power to send me into fits of laughter and to this day the Ab Fab series remains one of the best satires of the frothy world of fashion ever made.
Alas, while you may or may not share your character's passion for...
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Dear Women,
I didn’t know that I would become such a hot topic in 2015, but I’m flattered! Considering that I’ve been around since 1959, my 56 years of walking around on this earth has been great and I wanted you to hear directly from me. Let’s get a few things out of the way first.
1.
Please stop wearing me if you have a camel toe! For the love of all womankind, NOBODY wants to see that! There are so many different varieties of me out there that companies have made, try on a few until you find the perfect pair, OR here’s a novel idea, where a longer shirt that doesn’t show any of that. I am all for comfort and body positive image but there is nothing attractive about the dreaded camel toe.
2.
I know that I am made in nude and khaki colors, and I am at a loss as to why, but...
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Dear Carine
What happened? You used to be a great stylist. In fact, once upon a time, you were my favourite stylist. So enamored was I with you and your work that in 2002, I left my fashion editing job in Tokyo to try and be your assistant in Paris. Alas, it was never meant to be. Without the right work visa, I got momentarily sidetracked with designer shopping and the electro club scene while you got bumped up from creative director to editor-in-chief of Vogue Paris.
And while my fanciful Paris sojourn was to be short-lived, over the years I enjoyed looking at your work at the magazine. It was transgressive, it was chic, it was punk in spirit – and it was daring. You constantly pushed the envelope and Vogue Paris was a better magazine for it. When your tenure came to an abrupt end...
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