An Open Letter to WAGs of the Brownlow

Subject: An Open Letter to WAGs of the Brownlow
From: Anthony Montesano
Date: 9 May 2015

Dear WAGs,

Firstly, congratulations on landing a footballer for a boyfriend or husband! And going to the Brownlows as a WAG, what a dream, truly! You are living the dream of many girls around the nation. That is why I’m writing to you. Do not blow your chance in the spotlight. Listen carefully to my four rules for dressing at the Brownlows:

1. Choose your bare factor: All girls have breasts, legs, a butt and the rest. Not all of them need to be shown to be noticed. Look sexy by all means, but choose one area to expose and stick to it. Got cleavage? Well go for a long dress. Open back on your dress? Well cover your jugs please. Strapless top? Wear your hair down and cover up down below. It’s all about leaving something to the imagination. If they can see it all, you’re old news.

2. Choose your colour wisely: A gown should be chosen because it complements you, not just because it’s beautiful in its own right. When choosing a colour, make sure it complements your skin tone and hair colour. Red is not a colour for those with pinky skin tones. White looks stunning on darker skin and redheads were born to wear green. There are no steadfast rules with colour, but just make sure you don’t look pasty or wear an offensively bright colour unless you’re sure.

3. Accessories maketh the look: A rookie mistake many girls make is buying shoes and a clutch in the exact colour of their gown. This screams to the nation you lack flair and versatility and is truly playing it safe. There are times when it works, but if you can pull off unexpected accessories that work well with your dress you’ll instantly gain street-cred in the style stakes. With materials such as clear perspex, tortoiseshell, timber and other interesting mediums, there is plenty of scope for flair. Also, beware of crystals and bling. It won’t make you look any more rich and glamorous. In fact, you could well look like a gypsy bridesmaid. Also, steer clear of satin covered shoes and clutches if you are under the age of 75.

4. Make-up should enhance, not dominate: How many WAGs have we seen that look like they fell in a tub of fake tan? It’s not needed. Less is better than more. Face makeup should be matte and natural looking. If it’s caked on, it shows. Make sure your face makeup blends down the neckline and nails should not be too long. Good makeup is often the difference between looking radiant and looking like a potential drag queen.

Good luck out there ladies! May you grace the best-dressed lists and have a wonderful night whilst I will be squealing from my lounge room watching the red carpet arrivals and dissecting each frame with my many bitchy girlfriends.

Kindest regards,

Anthony Montesano