I've been thinking about this a lot, so for both our sakes I'll keep it brief. I'm really happy I moved to Georgia. I moved down here because I was lonely. I hated coming home to an empty house, because Christina would be at work. And I found myself getting out of the house, just so I didn't have to feel lonely. Being with you made me feel better and validated. And that was my problem. I depended a lot on you guys to make me "me," to make me "whole." I thought if I didn't have you guys, then I didn't have any value in my life. I remember thinking to myself sometimes, "If they continue to love me, I'll have worth." It had nothing to do with God and my relationship with him, just us. So when I moved down here and was cut off from you all, it was the scariest and the most reviving thing I've ever done. I found out I was me, with or without you.
I will never love anyone as much as I have loved you all--both in a good and a bad way. I've given you parts of me, I shouldn't have. I've made you define me, when you shouldn't have to. I cared for you, more than I cared for myself. And I'll never do it again. You all mean so much to me. You will always be my home, even when we all break apart. When I was living on my own with Christina, you guys were the ones that supported us. But I shouldn't have made you my life goal, because that's not fair to you. I should allowed you to live your own life, and I should've lived life the way God wanted it to go--even if it's away from you.
It would be impossible to say thank you enough, because I love you more now that I'm gone. But in the same way, I love myself more. I find value in who I am, when I'm alone. I'm sorry, I depended on you for things I shouldn't have. But thank you for loving me at my lowest. Thank you for giving me grace and patience. I never formally said good bye to all of you. This is kind of a good-bye for me, because my greatest wish was for us to always be together. But knowing you're out in the world, doing what God wants from you, that's all I can ask for. I'm finally releasing you and me from this crazy expectation I had for us. I'm really happy God did this for me. I'm so ready to live the life I was supposed to live. And I'm so happy to see where God will take you, wherever it is.
