As I sit in the wake of another failed relationship, I cannot help but reflect on how your choices affected my development. I trust no one, expect to be let down, and have little to no self esteem.
I see you... for who you are. Your actions taught me that being myself wasn't enough. I had to prove myself worthy for your time and affection. You were the first man I ever knew, ever loved. Your job was to love me unconditionally, to make me feel like the centre of the universe, to teach me that I was enough, I was worthy, I was special.
You failed. Miserably. You chose yourself, women, booze and weed over giving me consistency, love, security and safety. You taught me to beg for affection, to wait til you had time for me, to accept less than the best.
You made your love conditional: I had to meet the requirements in order to see you. I had to fit into your ideal. I sought your acceptance, took the crumbs you gave me. Woke up alone in your apartment because you choose to fulfill your addictions instead of take care of me. Sat waiting on the porch for you to pick me up, hours late, if you even showed up.
The damage that did is deep. Far reaching. As a result, I choose men who are emotionally unavailable to love. I try to fix everyone I meet, to save them from their demons, because I don't believe I am worthy of love unless I have to sacrifice something in order to get it.
In my marriage, I sacrificed my dignity and self worth in order to salvage the relationship. I married the image of you: a man who put himself and his needs before me, our children, and our family. And when I finally had enough and I left? He blamed me for the state of the relationship. JUST like you do.
Can you see the pattern? The cycle I am trapped in?
I know, deep down, that I am worth so much more than you ever gave me. Every little girl should be the twinkle in her fathers eye, and every woman should be respected and honoured by her man.
It has taken me 37 years to see you for who you are: watching you rifle through 7 wives, cast aside your children unless having us and our kids around suits you, hearing you degrade and demean your parents, who were the only constant I had in my childhood.
You are selfish. Arrogant. Manipulative. Unable to take responsibility for your actions, regardless of the psychobabble you spew to all who listen.
You know what the millennial term is for people who seek counsel or advice and then don't follow through is? Askhole. And you, dear father, are the biggest askhole I have ever met. Instead of regurgitating the information you learned in therapy to try and sound intelligent, maybe you should apply it to life. You'd be well advised to apply a little introspection to life and to stop blaming everyone else for your inadequacies.
