An open 'Thank You' letter to the abusive man my mother married.
"Step dad"
Dear step dad,
I am 21 years old and I am still afraid of you. Not that fear of disappointing a parent. It's a fear that you have because of someone being so unpredictable you feel unsafe. Even with my husband to protect me, when I see you I still feel the hair on my neck stand straight up. I still to this day have nightmares of you beating me.
I always wondered why you married a woman with three children just to abuse them. I didn't understand when you would say "I love you." I didn't know much about love but I knew it wasn't supposed to hurt. As I got older punishments became more harsh and physical "discipline" was more painful and excessive. I tried to be perfect, make you proud of me. But all you ever did was remind me that I wasn't and never would be good enough. A famous line of yours was "There is always room to improve."
Once the teenage years rolled in and you realized I had become numb to your "physical discipline," which consisted of kicking, ear pulling, hitting so hard you left hand prints & then apologizing with flowers, you started to get in my head and break my self esteem. You had told me I needed to lose weight and change my diet. Not out of concern but out of malice. You looked at me like I was disgusting...I was only 15. Little did you know you yourself played a part in me gaining so much weight. I had became so depressed by being put down constantly I couldn't drag myself out of bed. The name calling such as; fat, ugly, dumb, nasty and stupid started around 17. You kicked me out 3 times at age 17 as I began to find my voice and stand up for myself and my mother. So I got a crappy job making $7.25 and finally saved up enough to sleep on the floor of my own apartment.
I began self mutilation in 6th grade, I tried to take my own life at 17. And what if I would of let you win? Let your abuse, define me?
I never would have became the woman I am proud to be. I am a mother, I am a wife, I am a friend. So thank you for breaking me completely down, so that I could build myself back up; into the strong woman I have always wanted to be. Thank you "Step dad."
Sincerely,
The daughter you never wanted
