As I sit up at 2 am and look out a dark window looking into the dark night thinking thoughts that nobody can hear I cry. My days are long and my nights are short. I have to keep silently reminding myself to breathe deeply and stay calm. My feet hurt from work and my heart is broken from the people I once loved who left me behind. We cannot choose out parents, God hand picked them both for me ? At 2 am I ask him why did you choose them both for me? All my parents ever did was hurt me. My mother was on drugs and left me in a soiled diaper as well as my sister locked in a dog kennel at 3 years old. My sister and I had no food covered in flea bites dirty hair starving and had rotted teeth. All that haunts my memory tonight is childhood memories of digging through garbage cans to find food for my sister and I. My sister would cry because she had pain from the rape she endured from the night before. At 3 years old I did the best I could to comfort the both of us despite all the physical pain we were going through since everyone left us to die. These are the memories that are burned in the back of my mind now as being an adult. This is what I have to go to sleep with at being only 29 years old. I was the eldest child and over the years found strength within dysfunctional relationships and drugs and alcohol to cope. My sister has tried over the years to take her own life because pain will affect everyone differently. In writing this letter to my parents to the 2 people that truly let me down as a way to find peace within my own life. People tell me to learn forgiveness and I'm hoping that oneday I can. I have grown up now. I have 2 children myself that I can say I truly love. I never knew what love was my whole life because I never had a mother that loved me. I was never rocked coddled or held as a baby. Sometimes it's nurture verse nature. People often wonder why I'm cold or why I don't hug or kiss. How do you do that if you were only abused as a baby ? Moving forward skipping years I learned to be what my mother and father never were to me. I had my oldest son at 17 years old and still being a child I didn't know how to love that little baby at that time. Skipping over the years I had my second son when I was 27 and that little boy really taught me the value of the love I so longed for. I learned at 27 years old how to love again. You look into my children's eyes and you see my heart. Something I hid from the world. Love was something I never knew because everyone I once loved left me as a child. I try now I'm older to make a path for my life. I try to move on and learn to let go,but sometimes the pain hurts to much and brings me back to that window at 2 am.
