Dear Depression,
There is no way to clearly explain you. You suck the joy out of my life, the inspiration from my every whim, my aspiration to chase my dreams. I try to hide you, but you're very loud and like to make yourself known. I try to ignore you, but you're much more persistent than I am. I try to overcome you, but you're stronger. Somehow, even in my happiest moments, you're there, waiting for a moment to pounce and steal my joy.
I can't begin to explain how many chances I've missed, how many people I've lost, and how much I've changed because of you. I'm tired of being alone, I'm sick of not doing what makes me happy, and I'm done with feeling like I hit a dead end no matter what direction I take.
How is it that I can give the best advice, but can't follow it myself? How is it that I comfort others so well, but sink back into my own shell so easily? Every single time I get better, you snatch my heel and drag me back into your depths.
It's hard to imagine what my nine year old self would think of who I am now, if she could see into my very soul and realize all of the things I feel that are not good. Then I remember my nine year old sister and try that much harder to hide you from her, to create an illusion that I'm not constantly in a dark place. All I want for her is happiness. She's so, so smart for her age. And I don't want her to degrade herself like I do, so I pretend like you don't exist. Not for me, anyway.
When I'm unhappy with the way my life is, people always tell me to do something about it. Believe me, I do try. I constantly apply for jobs, try to get out and meet people, do things to better myself. But it's hard when jobs don't hire, or even contact me. It's heartbreaking when people don't want me in their life, and I seem to stick out everywhere I go. It's ridiculous when I try to go and do things that I enjoy, 'discovering myself,' only to discover how very alone I am.
No matter where I go, or what I do, I feel like the word 'D E P R E S S I O N' is stamped on my forehead.
I so want to be happy. I very much want to be loved. I strive to achieve my dreams, and make my baby sister proud, give her someone to look up to. So why don't you want me to?
I don't know how to express myself, so I don't. Instead, I take care of others. I bottle up my problems and negative feelings until I explode. I force myself to keep quiet because somewhere, someone out there has it worse than me. It's so unhealthy, but I can't help it, and I can't stop.
I hope that one day, it will all be worth it. Even though I can't help but think that I shouldn't have to feel this way about life at such a young age. One day, I'll be in love. One day, I'll work a wonderful job and travel the world. One day, I'll be happy, and I won't know you anymore.
One day I'll be able to tell people that life is beautiful, and that one day, things will get better. And one day, I'll believe it.
Sincerely,
The Girl Who's Still Fighting
