The majority of my fondest memories are with you. Given that, some of the most devastating moments in my life also involve you in some way. Nothing I ever hope or dream turns out the way I would like, so to think I would always have your shoulder to lean on was overly dramatic. We shared incredible moments that seemed to last for hours and amazing years that felt like decades, but for some reason we drifted apart. Not that the people we are today are bad, but obviously not meant for each other. Maybe it was fate, maybe it was just me being oblivious to your emotional and psychological needs.
I wish to ask you how you're doing, what you're up to, who you've been enjoying since we drifted; but every time I look at you and see the happiness painted across your face like a beautiful work of art, I lose enthusiasm. I fear that you'll see the look in my eyes, a blank emotionless gaze that indicates what you secretly want to see: I'm struggling without you.
Of course I have other people in my life. Other friends, coworkers, my family, and the residents that I care for, but none of them come close to the level of comfort I felt when I was around you. I long for the ability to sit down after a long day and say "I truly am happy with how my life is going" because as of right now, I am painfully unhappy. Unhappy that I can't tell anyone my deepest emotions and thoughts; unhappy that no one thinks of me as the one person they can always go to for comfort and sincerity; unhappy that when I look in the mirror, I see emptiness. A shell of who I was before. A sad, underachieving version of what I always wanted to be. Alone. Some part of me wonders if you're feeling the same way, too. Another part of me says "that's bogus... he's always had people he liked more than you" and this side usually wins. Why would I be the one you would prefer to talk to when you feel upset? Alone? Ecstatic? Nervous? I wouldn't. The other people in your life are better at conversation.
As I sit here, writing this in a dark room with tears welling up in the corners of my eyes, I hope you're happy. I really hope you're heading the right way in life and that you have the road to your future paved and lined with gold. I hope that you trust yourself and know that you're making the right decisions for you and those you love. I will move on eventually, but will always have a spot in my heart for you. I will always have a shoulder for you to cry on, a room to stay in if you're in town, a fridge of food for you to eat when you're broke, and a listening ear for when you really need to rant. If you're reading this, just say hi. Let me know you're doing okay. I love you.
