Dear Parents of Young Kids:
On the list of things that must be done by parents, ranked by the amount of sheer terror invoked at the very thought, “The Talk” is at the top. I understand why. Sex one of the few topics that is talked about with hushed voices and innuendos and subtle nods, yet is still talked about all the time, in every conceivable place, or during any event. The younger the audience, the less inclined to explain we are, which means that they look elsewhere for answers. This means that when you finally get around to having that dreaded talk, your kids will probably already know most, if not all, of what you want to tell them. In fact, they will probably know more.
When I was twelve, the day after I started my period, my mom and dad wedged me between them on the couch in their room with the intention of giving me the talk. I assume it was pretty standard; more or less what their parents gave them, though probably a bit more. I was mortified. Not because of what you think. It wouldn’t have been less mortifying if my Dad hadn’t been in the room. It wouldn’t have been less embarrassed if they had beat around the bush a bit more, or been less graphic. It wouldn’t have been less horrifying if I hadn’t already taken the biology class where we learn about X- and Y-chromosomes, and what they do. The reason I wanted the conversation to be over, yesterday, if possible, was because I already knew everything that they wanted to tell me. And more. I am sure I could have given the lecture myself. When they finished after about five minutes of stumbling over general statements and the obligatory your-too-young-for-sex lecture, they asked if I understood. I said yes. Then I left the room.
“Well, this is great news! I don’t have to have “the talk” at all! I can just let society as a whole educate my kids!” No. Please, no. I hope that you already know why that is a bad idea, but I will go over it anyway. The way that society portrays sex is not the way it is in real life. Sex is often portrayed as glamorous, romantic, or necessary for having a fulfilling social life, while completely ignoring all the problems it can cause, such as emotional dependence, body image issues, STDs, pregnancy, being a single mother, or two people getting married who aren’t really compatible, they just got pregnant. There is also the fact that society is currently up in arms about non-heterosexual preferences and relationships, and if you have any opinion, at all, about that bee’s nest, your child needs to hear your opinion before they hear anyone else’s.
This is the problem. The world is beating you to it. You need to instill in your children a realistic and complete understanding of sex, and your expectations surrounding sex, before the world does. This means you need to start much, much sooner than you are. In the year 2000, the statistics said that most kids were exposed to pornography for the first time at around 11. The studies don’t mean actors in iffy costumes, or jokes not suitable for kids. That is referring to straight up naked men and/or women. To make matters worse, the age is lower now then it was sixteen years ago. More recent studies show it to be as low as eight. If your kids know what it is, they have a much better chance of avoiding the situations and habits that lead to problems, now and later. Do you want society teaching to your kids about sex? No? Then put your money where your mouth is and start talking.
“When do I start? And what do I say?” Excellent question. I’m glad you asked. Here is the answer: start when they ask. If they have siblings of a different gender, it will come up sooner and more often. So much the better. Kids are naturally curious and more observant than we think. They will ask, they probably already have. You don’t have to be perfectly thorough or graphic right of the bat, but do answer them, immediately and honestly. I realize that kids have a habit of asking awkward questions at the worst times. This makes it all the more important that you answer them clearly and honestly, if not particularly thoroughly, as soon as they ask. Answer the question in the quickest, least detailed way possible, then say something like, “We can talk about it more on the drive home.” this way you are communicating to your kid that, you will answer their questions, but not everywhere is a good time for it. This is important because if you pass on the taboo to your kid, then they won’t come to you with their honest questions. Which doesn’t sound too bad, until you realize where they are going to go with them. After all, your kids probably already know that Google can answer any question.
It doesn’t matter when, as long as it’s early. It doesn’t matter what, as long as it’s the truth. It doesn’t matter how, as long as it’s often. Your kids will learn about sex before you are ready to teach them about it. If it is not you teaching, it will be someone else. Teaching your kids now will make your, and your kid’s, lives so much easier. Go and teach, so that your kids learn they can go to you for answers. You will be glad you did.
Sincerely,
A teenager who cares
