When I drive away from my mother's house, my heart wrenches, because I'm leaving her. It's not just leaving her, it's leaving who I am with her, the things that we could've done and what I might miss. I know that if I stay my heart will only pull me in another direction, I am my own home and missing the perception of home that I've built in the people I love.
I keep reading about people dying, people fighting, people hurting and I know that I am not capable of helping or dealing with the helplessness of knowing that my help would not be useful. People change people.
I've done things that I'm not proud of. I've changed in tiny ways that you would consider hard if you didn't know the reason and I try not to let my personal perceptions affect the way I view people, but even I sometimes succumb to fear.
There's a man in Georgia who wants me to kill myself to validate my life. I hate it when people joke about death and suicide, are we not already familiar with loss?
When she died, I lost the anchor that kept me grounded. This world is dimmer for me knowing that she's not here. I'm old enough to see the bigger picture of how our lives entwine and I can tell you that it is darker for everyone around us because she isn't here to light the shadows. I agree that my life, no matter what I've done, is worth less than hers.
Where did the concept of one life mattering less than another come from? Why does this not scare more people as much as it scares me?
When I wake up in the morning and the water's off again, I don't get angry. I feel grateful, because of the mornings I have water. I'm grateful for the bills, because I have a place to sleep that is warm and safe. I'm grateful for the sweat on my brow because it means I'm capable of working hard and can go to sleep with the sense of personal satisfaction.
I'm tired of being ashamed for being born white. I've never kept slaves, neither did my family. I've never judged anyone on their skin color because everyone has the capability of being an asshole. I want you to be proud of who you are and what you've accomplished, I wish that I could teach you to be secure enough in who you are, that you could see that someone else's feats do not undervalue yours. My beliefs do not diminish yours. My skin color does not diminish yours. I do not cancel you out. We are all together, people change people.
I'm asking you to rise. It's easy to sit in the dirt and sling it around, but it's hard to stand up and make an effort for change. I'm asking you to do good. I promise that the second you stand up and reach for my hand that I will not cast you aside or step over you, I will bring you to where I am so that we can rise together.
I wish you all the love and comfort that I have been given, I wish you knowledge from the lessons that I have learned the hard way so that you can be better than me. I am begging you to rise above the hate that you have mired yourself in and help me change people so that we can change the world.
