Dear father,
Before you read this, know that I am not a kid anymore.
Do not read this and stress on the language I use. This has been a long time coming. I know this, and so do you.
First I want to thank you. Thank you for leaving and not putting me through what you put my mom through.
Before I get into that though, I want to tell you a little about my life. Since well, you don't know me like mom does.
WHEN YOU AND MOM WERE MR. & MRS.
Through my eyes, you were a god. I remember you were so big and you would lift me with one arm, I thought it was the greatest thing. You were funny, I remember when you made me smile. You were a cop. I thought that was automatically supposed to make you a superhero.
As I got a little bigger, I remember mom crying a lot. Mom always seemed scared. Mom screamed a lot. She was too young to be put through what you did to her.
I remember when you would lock my mom in the bathroom and hold the door so she couldn't get out. She made you mad, she wanted to leave. You weren't having that. I screamed, "daddy, daddy, please stop, why is mommy in there??" tears were running down my face. You looked at me and laughed. She stayed in there for a long time.. but i'm sure you were just drunk, like always. One day I walked in your room because I heard mom screaming. I walked in to see her sitting on the floor with her nails half painted. You had her foot in your hand, bending her toes back making her scream horribly loud. Why did you do this dad? Mom was just painting her toe nails. I want you to know, if I was bigger, I would have stopped you.
WHEN IT WAS MOM, ME, AND BIG BROTHER
I remember when we left you. That's right WE. I was no more than four years old. Mom was gone for a long time, she came back very early in the morning (2:00-4:00 AM), I got woke up and mom told me to get dressed. We went and stayed with Aunt Dawn for a while, then shortly moved. You agreed that mom could have me and my big brother, as long as she took all the debt and let you keep the house. The few times I went to your home after that, all I remember is you locking yourself in your room for hours (all day most times) sometimes with females, sometimes by yourself, but ALWAYS with a bottle of alcohol.
LIFE AS A KID.
Well, here it is. It has been about eight years. You came to see me at work one time, but you brought your friend, and got drunk. The other time you came to see me was at my graduation. I saw you for about ten minutes after my graduation ceremony, but you ran when you saw mom.
The two times I saw you in almost eight years.
ANOTHER YEAR, ANOTHER MEMORY
I am about to be 20 dad. Can you believe that? Probably not, you don't even know when my birthday is.
Dad, I had to have emergency surgery. I called you and you came. I was so happy dad, I thought I saw some light in you. However, after five minutes, you decided to leave and "get something to eat". You said you would be right back. That's what you said. Hours go by and eventually I am taken into surgery. Still no sight of you. Can you believe that? I was about to be cut open and I was just worried about you.
I got out of surgery and you came running down the hall. WOW. This was the big moment. Nope.
You kissed me real fast on the forehead, still reeking of alcohol. I was wondering why you stopped the doctors in the hall. Then you told me you had to go. That's what you did. You turned and walked away, leaving me on my hospital bed in the hall shocked. That's okay though, I didn't cry. In front of everyone.
I got a call from you a month later. You told me that your appendix ruptured and that you had to have surgery. I didn't want to see you, and you did not want to see me. I knew you would be fine. It was just an appendix after all.
But once again dad, you lied. You failed to tell me that you had an ulcer from all the years of drinking and had to have over half of your stomach removed.
Shortly later you posted a Facebook status. You said that this event made you realize how much you messed up in your life. I smiled as I read that first line. Wow dad, you were really coming clean? You were finally admitting to all the wrong you did to me and my family. I continued to read. You then said that it made you realize you had the best friends and son, and a beautiful girlfriend that loves you. You ranted on and on about everyone but your own daughter. That brought tears to my eyes.
Dad I just read that you made the long drive to my city. Instead of telling me, you passed right through and went straight to Kentucky to gamble and party.
Yes of course, tears to the eyes again blah blah blah.
I'm glad I read that though.
Honestly dad, I have spent my whole life wondering what I did that was so wrong to make you hate me. I spent my life thinking that I ruined yours. I kind of did though. I say that not out of spite, but maturity. That's right dad. I have come to realize that I ruined your life in a way. You thought my mom was attractive. You wanted to have sex without being smart. You did not ask for me to come along. You did not want me. You felt trapped. You dad, never wanted a family. That's just not you. I understand that now. I feel better now because as I write you this, I realize you don't hate me. You just don't care about me. There is a difference. I will no longer waste my life trying to make somebody care about me.
THANK YOU
I want to wrap up this letter by thanking you. By you bluntly not caring, that answered the question I have been seeking my whole life. You have ruined the first twenty years of my life, but I won't let that happen the next twenty years. Thank you for showing me how I shouldn't let a man treat me. Thank you for leaving my mom, she was done being abused physically and emotionally. I like her better without you anyways. She is a beautiful person, with so much more self respect. Thank you for teaching me that life is rough while I was still young. Thank you for showing me that even superheros hide behind masks. I am stronger for what you did to me, i'm smarter. I hold no grudges. I feel no hate.
So dad, next time you see a picture of me on your Facebook, please do not feel the need to comment "my beautiful daughter" or anything like that. You don't need to try anymore. I am letting you go. Our time is up, and I forgive you for everything you did to me.
