I still remember that day so vividly, and it still makes me cry. Nearly two years later. You took something from you that can never be replaced. I didn't tell anyone. And still almost no one knows. It wasn't like what most people talk about. It wasn't overly violent. And maybe that's why I didn't say anything. you never hit me, or ripped my clothes off, your method was much more psychological. You kept saying please after every time you told me no. And after the fifth time you just started taking my clothes off. And I knew I couldn't get away. My heart pounded loudly in my ears as you seemed to be enjoying my insistent pleas against what you were doing.
And I think all of this would be so much easier if you were a stranger. But you weren't. You were the boyfriend of my best friend. We had grown close in the time you dated. You were funny. And you were nice. And you seemed like a genuinely nice person. But then one night something changed. You weren't the guy I remember seeing with my best friend. You decided you wanted me. And I told you no. But you didn't care. And now I go to school with you. I see you in the hallways every day. I have to live with the fact that you took something away from me that no one can replace. And that you changed my view on God and on my faith. Because why can you go to confession and have God forgive you for commiting such an awful act upon another human being. I remember lying in bed later that night and shaking, staring up at the ceiling with dry, terrified eyes. How could God let this happen? And why should he be forgiven? Because of you, I don't see sex as a thing of beauty anymore, it scares me. I don't have nearly as much faith in humanity. I find it hard to let myself near men let alone fall in love with one. I feel uncomfortable around groups of men. Everyone depicts rapists as terrifying people. But they aren't. They can be the most genuine people you know. Rape isn't always a use of violence. It can just be the intimidation that someone knows they couldn't get away if they tried. There are nights I wake up sobbing because I've had a nightmare about you. I can't even escape the feeling you give me with sleep. Not only did you effect my life in my head. You took away my best friend. Because you convinced her that it was my idea. You turned my best friend against me after your own selfish act. And for all of these reasons I will never be able to forgive what you did to me.
