Nana, I'm sad.
I'm sad because you'll never meet your great grandchildren. I'm sad because I took you for granted. I'm sad because I never got to say goodbye.
But I'm happy too that you were always there for me. I'll never forget the adventures and experiences you gave to all of the grandchildren.
I'm happy because I got to know you the longest, and I'm happy that you never ever let me be 'too old' for all the fun stuff.
I'll remember every single pantomime you took me to. I'll remember each story you read me.
I'll try to remember the recipes, although we both know I'll probably give up and Google it. I'll be frustrated when it doesn't taste the same.
I'm sad no one knows your recipie for gravy.
I'm sorry I threw up in your car that one time. And that other time. And that time on the plane. In fact; I'm sorry I threw up, in general.
I feel bad that I always rushed through the museums, and zoo's and adventure parks. I really wanted to go to the gift shops. I love shops - maybe it's you I have to thank for my retail career.
Thank you for the bags of gems stones. They were so shiny, and I lost them all. Because I lost interest. And now suddenly; it seems so much more interesting.
Thank you for the ostrich egg you brought back from a holiday. I took it into school with such pride, and I was so upset when it got smashed.
Thank you for always ringing me on my birthday and singing to me. Grandad did it this year because he knew you would never forgive him if he didn't.
I'm sorry I cried so much at your funeral and I know how angry it would have made you. There were so many people there, Nana, and it's because they loved you. Because you were awesome. Because you always wanted to be the centre of attention. And you always were.
Thank you for every shopping trip to Waitrose, and thank you for every flower arrangement you made. I still don't like flowers, but as a grown up I know how much time it took you.
Thank you for keeping all the toilet rolls, and the cereal boxes for making stuff. I'm sorry I never really liked papier mache but it was boring and took too long. I mean, who really wants to wait for it to dry?
I know I didn't ever thank you for the days off you gave up to look after me, and thank you for never giving up on me. It broke my heart to see you in that home and it broke me even more to know how much you hated it. I'm sorry I couldn't break you out. Even for a day trip. I thought about. Loads. I never did it though; and then it was too late.
I'm sorry you didn't come to my wedding and I'm sorry I was angry at you for it. I'm sorry I'm still angry at Grandad but I can't not be. I'm mad and it's his fault. Even though; I know it's probably not.
Thank you for understanding when I came out. I was petrified that you would have a problem with it but you quite literally didn't care. It shocked me; and it shouldn't have. I'm sorry.
I might not like vegetables, but I eat my crusts now. Sometimes. Mostly. Nearly.
I wonder if you and the other Maureen are causing havoc up there, or if you're just having a drink and watching EastEnders. Come to think of it; I don't think I know what you're favourite drink is. I'm sorry I never asked.
I'm sorry I moved away, and I'm sorry I didn't come back more. Again: I wanted to. But I didn't. I have to live with that.
Nana; you're so very special. I know you didn't like her, but I hope you gave nanny a hug from me. And thank you for telling me we still had you when she died. That you'd be 2x the Nana. You were.
Nana I still have so much I want to tell you. And there is so much you never got the chance to tell me.
I'm sorry Nana.
I love you.
