Dear former friends,
I am publishing this on the internet as I am very deeply distressed. For me this is not just the end of a fellowship but also the end of my Catholic Faith, because I fail to see from your example, that there is anything to be gained from such faith.
My friendship with Pam was always against the odds, and Micheal, her husband has never been my friend.
And I always felt that one way or another, the fact that I met you in a place where I was shunned and hated because of what my all-powerful enemies had to say about me would eventually mean you would not be my friends, although Pam gave me great hope by saying that neither you nor my enemies could judge me, that was up to God.
I had so little faith in friendship or anyone or anything after what I had been through, that when Pam invited me to meet the Brothers in 2011, and then told me she had made a mistake and I couldn't meet them that time, I immediately thought she had believed the slander of me and was turning away.
But I was mistaken then, and then Pam and Michael's typical selfish narrow Hampshire farmer bosses joined in the slander of me and again I felt unsafe with Pam and Michael as a result. Basically nowhere in the very wealthy mid-Hampshire district is safe for me from slander by the well-to-do people who have no understanding of disability or suffering, so I am driven from my home, with slander still following me.
And this is presumably why I am outcast and the recent shunning of me has occured.
I have no idea what slander Pam shared with the Brothers and fellowship before she actually briefly listened to me, and became my friend again, but it didn't go away nor did anyone there ever hear my side, because the only time Pam heard any of my side was when she started spouting the slander of me she had heard back to me, leaving me horrified and in tears.
Then she listened to me briefly, but didn't put things right.
And when I offered her a written account of part of my story, to help her and Michael understand, she simply refused to read it, month after month went by and I asked her each month if she had had time to read it, and she never did, instead she simply, completely bafflingly, printed one page that described members of my family, and left it on a chair in her spare room, for anyone staying with her to read.
I was left in tears, my story is very confidential and personal and distressing and Pam had asked for a copy and simply done that, and then said she had lost my story, and refused another copy of it.
I guess the dreadful people she and Michael used to work for, or be slaves for, as their description seems to be, managed to get their side heard and mine never mattered. That was always clear in Michael avoiding me, certainly, he was never my friend, and that has always made being friends with Pam very hard. So maybe it is best that it is over.
It was a hard friendship, friendships are never easy but from 2011 to the present day, some things have just been too hard, having to hear about Pam and Michael's bosses all the time and be reminded of them passing on slander of me was not fun, nor was telling Pam week after week for four years not to leave me voicemails because I cannot open voicemail and hear them. Being autistic means that having to keep on and on and on saying things like that and being ignored is horrendously stressful. What is the point of leaving me a message I can never hear?
Pam was a good friend, one of the best I have ever had, and all the faults we found with each other wouldn't have ended our friendship, all Pam's distressing actions like repeatedly putting me at risk by sharing my hidden location and identity when she promised not to, why does she think promising not to tell people where I am and then telling them is OK?
We had to stop outside the house of the vile people she and Michael used to work for, who were part of slandering and defaming me, and Pam just said outright she would tell them where I was, I was horrified to the point of tears, and she didn't, well she didn't then, but she continued to fail to see the point of keeping me safe and hidden when, after promising not to tell anyone where I was, we were driving home and Barbara asked which part of the area I lived in I was living in!
Again I was horrified, there is no excuse for breaking promises, telling everyone where I am and basically what has happened is, it has got back to the people who destroyed me, and I have been left harmed and in danger and having to consider a move.
Anyway, I always still felt I was welcome when we went to see the Brothers, although for a long time Michael has deliberately got ill to stop Pam from going to the Brothers, and since Pam had a major fit she can't drive and go to see them against his wishes.
So sometimes I have been on my own, by train, and been so happy to be there, felt it was a safe place, somewhere where people could rise above the lies about me, and let me be me, in fact to a point where I felt relaxed there and part of the fellowship.
Well, maybe until I was deliberately shunned from being an associate, by Barbara's son, and I had to assume that was because of the slander that Pam and Michael spread to Barbara and Barbara spread to the Brothers, so that I was unworthy of being an associate, while someone like Geraldine who regularly makes a show of her messed up marriage, is welcome to be an associate, so qualification to be an associate is by wealth and status rather than love for God, which really disillusioned me as I thought or hoped that the Catholic church was better than other denominations in that way, snobbery and shunning would be the domain of the Pharisees, not Jesus.
But Pam had for years said I should be associate and the Brothers wouldn't mind that I couldn't bring much more than prayers, which I always have, until now, but now my prayers are finished because there isn't Christianity in the brotherhood or my Catholic friends, so there isn't Christianity, full stop.
I knew that the Brothers turned Francis away for his disability, but I had no idea just how strong the prejudice against me was.
I considered simply turning away from the Brothers and the fellowship when I was rejected, but I tried to go on having faith. Especially as my world is so very dark, and Father had offered several times to hear my story, although I could never afford to get there just to talk to him, because normally I cannot even afford to get a haircut or buy food and can barely afford to keep a roof over my head, and am likely to return to the streets.
Pam said when I was rejected, that she didn't know why I was rejected. But she just says that over and over about things and refuses to find out why or put things right, she did this again recently when Michael and Geraldine decided to shun me from coming to the Friary at all, and when I phoned the brothers to ask why, they wouldn't answer.
Basically the light and hope went from me then and I am in total darkness.
I struggle horribly with no money and destroyed by my abusers, and yet I am voiceless and no-one hears me, one of the only things I ever look forward to is seeing the Brothers and the fellowship, and feeling close to God and as if there is a little patch of light and hope in my life.
The realisation that that patch of light and hope is not real and I am not welcome and will never see Father and tell him my story and see the judgement against me stop and forgiveness and healing start, the reality that someone like Geraldine who lives the high life and parades her broken marriage and all the gory details is considered to be a real Catholic while I am unwelcome, while Geraldine is allowed to simply remove the little bit of light and hope from me is the reality that the whole Catholic church is a sham, because it makes the division that the pharisees made between themselves and the poor, blindness to their own selfishness and great self-righteousness as they rob the poor of Faith and inclusion.
Pam has made it so much worse, excusing Geraldine and Michael's behaviour while not even explaining why Father has rung her and not bothered to ring me to help with this terrible distress. Pam claims that it is because 'people don't understand me the way she does' which is the most devastating, cruel and heartless excuse I have ever heard.
My abuser used to isolate me from the rest of the church, claiming that he could understand and work with my special needs' and Pam's heartless excusing of me being rejected by the brothers and Geraldine and Michael is exactly the same as that to me. It takes away any hope I had that my communication and interaction had improved, or that people in the fellowship or outside of it, could understand me better now or even accept me for being me, which I sincerely hoped the Catholic fellowship could. Because I cannot be un-disabled, unautistic, un-reactive attachment disorder, untraumatized and unpsychologically damaged just for unforgiving and narrowminded Catholics who have never experienced any trauma or disability, but I hoped and I believed I was accepted, and I built a tenuous attachment on that belief, overcoming the attachment disorder for the Brothers and fellowship.
You cannot begin to feel what I feel now, I am utterly and completely shattered, my Faith is Gone.
The Catholic church, is, to me, a sham, an excuse for selfish and cruel people to hurt others without conscience or remorse, and it is a sham that goes against Jesus teachings, with worship of His mother, worship of statues, abuse of children, and protection of abusers.
The last straw was Pam trying to excuse Geraldine and Michael's shunning of me, I am left behind hundreds of miles away and Pam claims it is because 'poor Geraldine has had such a rough time with her husband' and Pam blithely lets Geraldine and Michael continue their pseudo affair with Geraldine playing Michael against her husband, and that is an excuse for excluding me from coming to the Friary, how utterly disgusting.
Pam claims that poor Geraldine has had her husband move in and he won't move out and he used to throw his dinner at the wall, apparently that is an excuse for excluding me.
Every time I have been at the Friary, Geraldine and her husband are parading their squabble or Geraldine is going on about her holidays while I am wondering where my next meal will come from, Geraldine chose to marry and she and her husbandmust have known each other well enough to Marry, so why is her marriage an excuse for me to be denied a tiny bit of comfort from coming to the Friary?
Well, more than that, realising I can be excluded by selfish childish adults like this has really and truly made me realise that faith, fellowship and friendship really are nothing, my last shreds of hope and light are gone and I am in the dark.
Normally my Birthday is forgotten, but this year Pam came over, trotted out the exact same lins in defence of my destroyers that someone else against me and on their side had trotted out before, and then refused to walk with me. I was left in hell on my Birthday, and obviously since the rejection by the Brother who is Barbara's son, I have felt hopess welcome, but since that incident, and now being rejected openly with very silly excuses, I have realised it is not love or fellowship at the Friary, it is a tight, closed clique, and even that paedophile who was trying to take the children aside the other year was more welcome than 'someone we don't understand because of her problems and thus have to reject'
Pam and Michael for some reason got me a Catholic religion statue for my Birthday instead of a present, a statue that is nothing to do with the Jesus of the Bible, He would snort in contempt at what He is made into, but that was all I got for my Birthday, no present.
And Geraldine ha a car, and lives in Wembley, on the tube to London, and yet she and Michael have denied me the opportunity to come to the Friary, and the Brothers have ignored my messages of distress about this, which shows what a sham it has all been and what a sham the Catholic Faith is, that they too exclude and judge me. How utterly devastating and dreadful.
At least I am not going to go along with the Catholic Faith and it's actions that go against Jesus and the Bible. Thank you for waking me up to realise that there is no God and the church is oly a club for the elite and a clube that cruelly makes the poor have more children than they or anyone can support, the rich Catholics obviously use contraception despite claiming the faith that is against it.
Jesus wept.
JJ
