What is ok to talk about? Why are there things that are considered odd to discuss? For example, what I'm about to write if I ever said aloud most people would just respond with worry or perhaps just tell me to go see a doctor....or take it upon themselves and seek help for me that would only do more damage than good....aka the looney bin..
I've always have had the thought, or more so feeling, that I'm just ready for things to be done. More so direct, I'm ready for life to be done. The feeling is always there, in the back of my mind but every now and again it just really gets to me and knocks me down. I feel so sad and empty and just... ready;" like okay, life has been great and all but I really just wish it was over already."
Trust me... I am NOT suicidal. Most people will read that and think.... "umm...what about what you just wrote??". Most people will think I have depression... to be fair I have never been to the doctor to get "Clinically diagnosed" so I very well may be a tad. But the things is... I'm so completely aware of life and how it works. I am so very observant and am just aware of how "society" were to react should I even speak these words. I have everything going for me and am happy with my life. I have no reason to feel like this? I must be depressed. I must be suicidal. There must be something wrong.
I'm perhaps one of the most normal(if there is any such thing) people you could ever meet. I've got a good family life, I have a job to be grateful for, I have a ton of people who care for me--- I'm one of the sweetest and kind-hearted people out there, probably also a little ambitious. I thank the universe for always looking out for me and granting me the life that I lead for I have always felt a sense of luck because my life really is quite good. I hardly have any negatives or things that "go wrong"... or maybe it is my outlook on life? I just know I can always handle anything that comes at me and work through it, that's the type of person I've always been. I love life... I am so so grateful for how much my family loves me, how many friendships I've built and all the new people I get to meet. I love nature and the feel of the wind on your face. I love the smell of cooked peppers on a pizza and I love the smell of burning wood. I am so very attune with life and all the great things there are... But I also just feel so very sad for the world at the same time. When I think about how the world is today and how much hate and greed and just destruction going on.. it makes me sad. I don't understand(and I'm generalizing here) how human beings could have gotten so bad. I don't understand how something so simple as "Care for one another" has gotten so far lost.
Anyway.. I'm getting away from the topic. I am happy with life but I am also just done. I don't know how else to explain this feeling other than that. I'd like to say that if it weren't for the many friends and family I have that I would end my life. But that'd be considered suicidal, right? I've never harmed myself and I know not to. I understand that it's considered wrong and selfish and hurtful. I am grateful I get to live...there are people out there who have not been so lucky as me and their lives have got cut short. I know I should be grateful. But aren't we all just living to pass the time until...our time does come? Why can't I just be done? Obviously I know why.
All I'm saying is.. if I ever were in a situation where my life had to be saved.. I don't know if I'd want it to be. I'd feel bad for the hurt it would cause my family and friends but also... the only reason I'm living is for them. It's all for them. It's all for the people who care about me. Otherwise I'd really have no desire to stay. And to me, that just sounds .. normal.
I am not suicidal.
I am grateful.
I am blessed.