An Open Letter to My Younger Self About Religion

Dear you,
You over there, in the big hat. Standing quietly in the middle of the mess. Confused. You at 11, at 12, at 13 and even 14. You being called “reform” as an insult. You joining a Conservative-Jewish group and people being skeptical. You admitting to yourself that you’re agnostic. You strongly disagreeing with many of your teachers’ views on religion but being too embarrassed to contradict them. You slowly beginning to experiment: consciously eating at the houses of people who don’t keep kosher. Calling yourself “Conservative Jewish” if anyone asked- not Orthodox. And Shabbat. Little things: writing, making jewelry, turning off alarm clocks. Bigger things: Sending a text, turning on lights and fans, using the elevator. Getting off at the fourth floor and walking up the last flight of stairs so your family wouldn’t hear the sound of the elevator door opening and suspect anything. Scared, but filled with a thrill of excitement. Eventually being asked if you keep Shabbat and answering not yes but rather, “Sort of.”
You at 14, not realizing how much you’d been stressing over everything and longing to tell until two amazingly kind adults sat down with you, gently nudged you to share your religious story, and then listened as you ranted for half an hour.
You. You need a little reassurance?
I know you do.
When you talk with those two people, their positive reactions will give you strength. You will remember how they calmed you down when parents get angry and when friends judge. But until you have the chance to talk? Stay strong, stay calm, stay you. Don’t give up on religious experimentation. Be afraid, but only to a certain extent. Let your fear protect you. Don’t let it block your way. You don’t have to tell the people who will react negatively. You owe them nothing. But you shouldn’t act in a certain way with them in mind, dictation what you do.
You’re not wrong or bad when you turn off the light on Shabbat. It’s just a choice. Listen to the voice inside if you that says that. Don’t listen to the voice that criticizes you. There are enough voices to criticize you on the outside, you needn’t add any.
You’re still wondering, you’re still checking things, you’re still on a journey. But you’re a little more confident in yourself now. You’re a little less embarrassed of your choices or your way.
So, you can be confused. You’re allowed to be confused. But don’t let anyone else tell you who you are. And if you want to tell the five hours that are supposed to be between meat and dairy to go to hell, go right ahead. I give you permission.
All the best,
Me, now