I want to deeply, deeply apologize. This is not an apology that I'm giving in hopes that we'll be friends again. Not an apology that I want forgiveness for. Just a real, earnest apology. After ten years, I looked back at one of our last conversation and realized that you were always absolutely right.
These aren't excuses, just facts. I take full accountability for how I treated you; I treated you poorly. I got mad easily, was sensitive about everything, projected all of my insecurities on to you, and somehow felt like I was superior because I was older and wiser and had a right to help you decide your future.
Since our last conversation:
My father has died
My mom admitted to having used me and lied to me my whole life for the sake of wanting to damage my relationship with my dad
I lost my whole LARP community because of roommate drama
I survived two layoffs and then quit my job
Started going to therapy and discovered that I have depression
Began taking antidepressants
Learned that my inferiority complex and my need to be smarter than everybody was actually an awful way to keep friends
Got hooked on pot
Lived with my grandpa, kindled a relationship with him only for him to die as soon as I moved away, just in time to be blamed for not being there for him
Moved out of California with Jeff
And have ultimately accomplished nothing.
All this to say that I really thought I was hot shit and had all the answers, when in fact I was cold shit and had zero answers.
Taking antidepressants really changed my life more than I can say. I really did blow up at everything while simultaneously telling people that I was chill. And I never saw it because logically, there was no reason for me to care about such small slights, but on the other hand, I literally was unable to control my emotions. Again, that's not an excuse though, because I also ignored that as a problem. I really couldn't see my own flaws, that I was gaslighting you and belittling you (while at the same time putting you in a pedestal), and making you responsible for all of my happiness. I do not at all blame you for asking me to not speak to you again, so that's why I'm putting this letter in the void. But for what it's worth, I'm glad you put that boundary down as well. I've learned that you don't owe me any closure (as nobody owes anybody anything, but you definitely never owed me anything). I've learned that all I was doing was parrotting my moms lessons to ME - the manipulative ones that I hated - and just forwarded them on to you, because that's how I thought I was supposed to be a good friend. Because that's how I was TAUGHT to show love, because that's how my mom "showed love" for me.
And I'm just so, so sorry that I was such an idiot. That all of my own messed up brain caused me to cause YOU so much pain. I was a shitty person and, because I assigned so much of my life to you, you got hit with the brunt of all of that. I used you to feel smart and loved and I did that at your expense because I somehow thought I was incapable of hurting others. I was too good and my intentions were too pure that there was no way I was in the wrong.
I was selfish. And you were deeply hurt. And I'm sorry.
I really hope this helps instead of hurting. I hope you feel validated by this, ans not threatened. I know I can't fix what I've done. I truly hope that your life is going well.
