Lifestyle

Dear Alcohol, Thanks a lot. Last night I dreamt I was a telemarketer again. Selling virtual sex acts to middle-class people of every race and sex. Over the phone. Thanks a lot. And apparently in the dream, I’d been fired from this job before. Recently. However, call volume was irregularly high and vice versa. So they took me back. Tentatively. On the computer screen was a huge panel of buttons, each one an audio sex-act recording of a hot woman doing it. For example, top left was the sound of her kissing and moaning. The next one played the sound of licking various body parts. And each progressed from there until eventually you cycled through hand jobs, blow jobs, all out doing it, then finally the really weird ones involving animals and urination. My occupation was to click the...

Dear Attractive Coworker, You and I lifeguard together at the university pool twice a week. You are two years younger than I am, but I am not altogether sure if that really matters at this point in our fledgling lives. You hail from Long Island, and everything you say is prefaced with the slang term “Yo.” I can’t help but wonder if your slightly trashy accent is feigned, if perhaps you think it makes you more appealing. But Attractive Coworker, you already are totally appealing. Your intense blue eyes and extremely feminine dark eyelashes lend you a mysterious gaze. And sure, you look stoned all the time, but it could just be that you suffer from dry, irritated eyes. You go surfing in your free time, which borders on sickeningly appropriate considering the “Beach Party Ken” appearance...

Dear Unemployment, Nearly 15 years have passed since our last forced pairing. I treated you so unfairly. You received no respect, no regard for your identity. Wardrobe shopping continued, $8-per-pound flavored coffees were brewed, comic-book and electronic-gadget collections expanded. I didn’t even inconvenience myself to cancel HBO. More time was spent emptying my savings and charging up my credit card than helping you gracefully transition away from my life. You were kept hidden, tucked away in my briefcase with outdated resumés, half-completed job applications, marked-up classified ads, and check stubs from the unemployment office. You humiliated me. But now you are threatening to visit again. Your approach is fast enough to generate panic, slow enough to foster apathy. Your...

I am writing this letter as an individual who is tired of our culture's obsession with youthfulness. For too long I have seen young people glorified over others who are deemed "too old". This has always been most noticeable when it comes down to women. We see the types of Madonna labelled as past it (which is unfair) and then we have to witness her efforts to stay culturally relevant by exposing more flesh than any of us would wish to see...which was the case when she intentionally exposed her bum on a red carpet recently. This disregard for 'older women' is also pretty evident in films and television too. With plenty of successful models coming forward and stating their distaste with the film industry and the lack of leading roles for women over 30. But this doesn't look like it's...