Your infidelity and Me

Subject: Your infidelity and Me
From: A Shattered Wife
Date: 23 Mar 2017

To All Entitled Partners

I don't know what people definition of monogamy is anymore. In the past, monogamy was one person for life and now it is one person at a time. Things that defines relationships and marriage have changed so much throughout time. What is the universal definition of infidelity? I supposed, there is no such thing. Do sexting, staying active on dating app, watching live web-cam show considered as infidelity? I think the definition varies from couple to couple. But personally, once there are 3 elements of a secretive relationship, a degree of emotional connection and a sexual chemistry (both imagined and an actual act); an affair is there and infidelity has took place. In this era, it has never been easier to cheat yet never been more difficult to keep a secret.

Your infidelity threaten my emotional security. To me, you are my safety net, my support, my home, my trusted person, my best friend, my emotional companion, my intellectual equal and simply my other half. In the same way, I would like to feel that I am your person, I am unique and different from others, I am indispensable, I am irreplaceable, I am important to you and I matter to you and that I am a vital aspect of your life. However, your infidelity tells me that "I AM NOT ANY OF THAT" and my world came tumbling down. It is the ultimate betrayal. It is traumatic because it threatens my sense of self. I thought I know my life, I thought I know who you were, who we were as a couple but now I question everything about it. I question what you do when I turn around, I question if you are genuinely having a good time with me and if you would pick up a phone and start talking to other girls when I walked to over to the kitchen to grab a plate. I question everything about us. I question if anything you ever say to me and tell me is even true, if you were truthful when you told me you love me? It is the obsession and curiosity that takes away a part of me at all time. Your infidelity is a violation of trust, this happens times and again and no matter how much I beg you and ask you to stop hurting me repeatedly with infidelity; it has been proven to me that you simply don’t care enough to restraint from doing so. You make me question my being and my existence in your life. My own entity of who I am and who I can trust and rely on. Can I ever trust you again when you have broken my trust times and again? How many time do I forgive and move on from the same thing? How many time do I look pass this and pretend I didn’t know? How Do I even trust anyone again when you are my most trusted person and my most loved companion. If I can’t trust you, then who in the entire world I can ever trust?

I ponder to myself, why do people cheat more these days than in the past? It’s not because we have more desire these days but it is because we live in an era where we feel that we are entitle to pursue our desire. This concept of “I deserve to be happy and therefore I am entitled to do whatever that makes me happier” It is this self-entitlement that makes us grown apart from our partner and neglect their needs, feeling, and trust. In the past, divorce was uncommon and only came about as people were “unhappy” but in many cases today people get divorce because they believe that they can be “happier”. Divorce was shame in the past but today choosing to stay when you can leave is the new “shame” . There is nowhere for me to turn as everyone is going to simply tells me to leave as I “have” the choice and I can “choose” to leave. I would get judged for staying rather than leaving. No matter how many times you promised me not to do this and every time that I caught you doing it; my heart shattered, over and over and over again into fine sand dust and yet here I am staying with you no matter how much pain I’m going through every time I see you. I can see that your love and care for me is coming to an end to its shelf life. I am left hanging here just waiting to find out when I would “expire” and when I will be replaced. Your constant search for another person, a better person, a more flawless and perfect person will never end, at least not with me. I am simply waiting for my time to run its course. I am not proud of my past, I did what I had to do at the time and I can’t go back to change any of that. I trusted you so much and so I told you everything but I love you so truly like I have never loved anyone before.I doubt can I ever love anyone again like how I love you but I am simply not "enough" for you. I know you told me times and again that you long for friends and social connections but secretly talking to different girls on dating apps is not the way to makes friends and that I have begged you countless times to stop hurting me with your action. To me, it is simply a justification that you tell yourself, me and anyone else that might know about it that you were just merely looking to make friends. Tinder is not somewhere you go to make new friends and we all know it. Knowing very well what you are doing behind my back hurts me and break me emotionally, physically, and mentally. You choose to hurt me with all intent. The knowing that you choose to hurt me, is what further haunt me at all my waking moment. I can’t seem to be happy, I can’t seem to get past it knowing that right now you might be smiling at me but 2 minutes later when I walked over to the kitchen to grab you a bowl of rice, you may choose to intentionally hurt me with your secretive actions and conversation between all the other girls you have been secretively in contact with

I can see that your desire for someone or something better than me runs very deep to the point that you would not neglect my feelings times and again. Betrayal runs deep for me and I am dying every day. I expressed to you how I feel and that I know what you have been doing again and you simply did not have a respond and simply tried to brush it off as if nothing ever happened. You did not acknowledge my feeling of lost, pain, sadness, and worthlessness. You did not acknowledge your wrongdoing as it is what you think you deserve and that you are entitle to do so. You simply forego to care about me, your wife, your partner in crime and someone who is always going to be there with you through thick and thin. It is your self-entitlement to pursue more happiness that I can not provide (however you define it) makes you neglect my happiness, a happiness of our family unit as a whole. Last time you promised me to not do this to me again, I did have hope that you will keep your word this time round even you have never been able to kept the same promise in the past. But the very last time you promised me, I did believe and trusted that you would. But now it is clear to me that you will not be able to remain truthful to your words and action. I feel so lost and I don’t know how to live my life as I know it. I don’t know me, I don’t know you, I don’t know us. You have given me a certain degree of love and care but at the same time you have given me so much pain, suffering, self-doubt, emotional insecurities, fear of lost, and physical criticisms. Not acknowledging your action is not the only thing that hurts me but more so that you also don’t have any guilt, or remorse for hurting me so deeply. I feel like even if you did not feel like you have done anything wrong as you have your own concept of self-entitlement but you also simply do not feel like you should be sorry and feel bad for hurting me.

You can choose to relive me from the pain and suffering by acknowledging your actions and show some remorse for me and restore my trust for you and for us as a couple, as a family. But not at all, you chose to stand by your action as if it was nothing and I was making a deal out of nothing. I believe trauma only begins to heal when the other person acknowledges their wrong doings and since you do not expressed or even feel that you have done anything wrong , I am so heart broken, so hurt that it cannot be put into words. I was longing for some degree of acknowledgement of my pain and suffering because it communicates that I am essential, that I matter to you and that our relationship is important to you. I am at a lost not knowing how to restore some self-worth, self-love, security, and emotional stability, joy and self-identity. And more importantly, how to stop thinking, imagining, doubting and constantly being curious about what you say, what you’ve done when I’m not around. Who you have been talking to when I looked away for a minute. All These things that would only inflict more pain and keep me further away from you emotionally do not go away as I am never reassured by you. I wonder if your desire to seek happiest or some kind of self-fulfillment is worth-it for all the pain and suffering for both of us? But maybe it is since you’ve been constantly doing it times and again and here I am enduring all the pain and suffering..

A Shattered Wife