Dear Writers at The Onion,
In the wake of the distressing news about The Onion changing hands, let me just speak on behalf of all your followers who have sent me your links, traded print issues and quoted your shit at parties: we still need you, more than ever. We need you to pull down the proverbial pants of the politicians who deserve it. We need you to point out the absurd in the utterly mundane, we need that desperate laugh to be louder than the death rattle of our failing empire.
Seriously, how are we going to make it through this election without the real you?
You are our Voltaire, our Twain. We already lost Stewart. Don't surrender to the muzzle; please quit enmasse and start another publication. Crowdsource it, you know we'll pay for it. I realize it's a lot to ask, but it's more than just a chuckle; it's the truth at stake. Please do not rest comfortably in Bethesda Naval Hospital.
A sincere fan of fine satire,
Miranda Culp
