Since I was a child, nobody wants me, nobody needs me and most especially, nobody loves me. If you'll tell me 'how about your family. For sure they love you', then sorry to break you thoughts but they don't. The only person that loved me, left me. My dad. He is my only bestfriend and a hero but unfortunately, he died.
During my elementary years, my parents, specifically my mom wants to abort me. (Amazing right.) They don't want me in this world. They don't want me in their lives. But because of my Dad, I got a chance to see a beautiful world. When I heard their story, that's where my anxiety and depression starts. Every time they will scold me for no reason, I was thinking of killing my self. (Note: this happened when I was still a child) You know, I already have my suicidal thoughts when I was still a child.
As I grew up, my mom is always keep on telling me that I am her useless child ever. She also once told me that when the time came where I already have a job, all my salary will go to her. She even told me that I can't have my own money even a penny.
Every time she will scold me, that's where my suicidal thoughts happen. Yes, I'm a bad daughter.
High School years, I am very immature to the point that I will scold her. But during my College years, I came to realize that I should scold her or anything that could hurt her. So, every time she is angry with me, I am doing nothing like all her words will enter in my right ear and will pass unto my left ear. Like I don't care at all and I am just silent.
But you know what. I am back to this kind of attitude again. I will answer her even though she is not asking me. Maybe, I am back to being immature.
Idk. Every time she will scold me, her words struck through my heart. And it pains me a lot.
"Useless!"
"Impudent!"
"Idc if you can't finish your schooling!"
"I will not give you money for your requirements!"
And many more. Why can't she just go straight to the point the she wants me die, right? Lol.
There's this time that the words she is telling me are too harsh. Like I can't handle the pain anymore. You know what I did? I tried to surf on the net on how to die quickly. But the sites I opened, gave me reasons to live.
Every night, I am crying because of the words she is throwing at me. Anw, I deserve those. Because it's true. I am those.
