in time

Subject: in time
From: jlm
Date: 2 Oct 2018

time. what is time? what isn't time? it is a series of days. a series of motions and emotions. a series of human healing and hurt. a series of oppurtunities. it is not easy. it is not gradual. it is not always kind. and it is not replaceable. speaking of, day by day, i find myself picking up the pieces of my shattered heart. some days, there is nothing there to find, except a cold, black, mutilated and confused emptiness. an emptiness derived solely from a boy, a lost boy, who i used to love with every single hidden corner of my fragile, untouched heart and soul. a boy who let me see light when there seemed to be none. a boy who protected and loved my daughter like she was his own. a boy who re-opened my heart. something that i never expected and furthermore, never believed that i was worthy of. my sweet, beautiful, angelic, innocent, little one is also who i am emphatically undeserving of. i only hope and pray that she may know that my love for her is undying, unchanging, unbelievable, unmatched, and unconditional and i will move mountains and die a million deaths for her. my chloe girl is my life. she saves me. every single day. she holds my hand and i hold her heart. and it is for her, and her alone, that i put aside everything in this world to do, all that i know, is right by her. she is my heart. my soul. my whole life. my whole world. my reason for living, my reason for fighting, my every single thing. i carry my sweet child in my arms and in my spirit. she is truly my living angel and the truest definition of love, itself. and is loved by me more than words. and for her, i am forever grateful. for her, i have the strength to face another day. for her, i am brave. for her, i am. everything that she may long for, she will find in me. her "mama." the greatest calling that God has ever blessed me with is this one. her. my chloe girl. my daughter. she is my warm sun on a cold, rainy day and i am her refuge in the storm. her protector and comfort in trouble. and her best friend. forever. forever... time. another thing time is not: endless. although, i wish it were. i know in the depths of my heart that i will hold my sweet child in this life and in our life after this. heaven. although, i believe that heaven is holding my daughter. when she is weak. when she is happy. when she is sad. always. to me, nothing can ever compare. she is my living, breathing, angel. one precious, perfect whole of two imperfect halves. and it is because of her & her truest creator - the one who sees me in my deepest, darkest desperation but still pulls me out of it and then pulls my heart strings. the one who still sees my most desperate and heart wrenching prayers. and the one who never truly lets me lose myself, because no matter where i am, he is too. it is because of my precious child and him, that i am strong and even more brave. that i am no longer someone whom i could once no longer recognize. the afraid, timid, weak minded girl who inhabited my being during my last relationship is no more. and i am thankful. i am becoming more of myself again with every single passing day. and i am abundantly amazed by the grace that god has granted me through the ending of an engagement. something sacred and special - like my sweet chloe girl.