Growing up, I knew things weren't the way they were "supposed" to be. I didn't have that story perfect family that all my friends talked about. Though, then I didn't understand, as the years went on and I got older, it all became clear to me. My closest family fell deeply in love with poison. It completely consumed their time, thoughts, and feelings. At some point that's all that mattered to them. They became so selfish. They lied to, stole from, and hurt the only person that was truly routing for them; (me). The one person who secretly searched for help without getting them in any trouble. It all seemed so impossible. For months I never told anyone what was really happening. I forced myself to make excuses for them and I defended their name, as if I owed them something. I sacrificed things that I worked so hard for, just so that I could make up for what they weren't doing. I became a "parent" to four kids, at the most difficult time of my life. How could I, at 19, be the backbone for my family when I don't even know who I truly am yet? When I don't know what's exactly right or wrong?
At first, I was mad. I was depressed and I was jealous. I was soo soo jealous. They got to choose this, but I didn't get the chance to try and become the person I thought I wanted to be. I couldn't finish school because I had to work to make ends meet. It took me some time, very hard nights, some fucked up thoughts and even some bad choices to realize how blessed I actually am. Now, at 21 (almost two years later) I've gone through so much that not much more in the world can scare me. I've felt the most pressure I could feel and learned how to take it one step at a time. I learned that nobody will protect you from your suffering. You can't cry it away, or fight it away, or even therapy it away. It's just there, endure it and strive for yourself. It taught me self-care and how to honor my feelings. Basically taught me how to feel. When I was younger I set goals to have everything everyone always bragged about but now, now it's different. I learned to be humble and appreciative of everything I already have. To work hard but not to forget to enjoy the little things. I learned to hold onto all the good things and not dwell on the bad.
Most importantly, it taught me to carry out the burden of life, all by myself and for that, I am forever thankful. When I look back at my life so far, I see pain, mistakes and a ton of heartaches but, the fact that I'm making it work gives me pride in myself.
I want my family to understand that I am not angry at them. What I went through shaped me to be the person I am today and the one I will be in the future. I am thankful for it all. One day we will have freedom from this darkness and it will be us all against the world.
