Scar Inside

Subject: Scar Inside
Date: 21 May 2017

Yes, I look fine. I do look fine. I smile, I laugh, I enjoy & I even do parties. You'll see me as fine young lady who has every thing she needs, a family, shelter, lover, friends, career and faith in God. But look inside me, and all those exterior fancies wont hide the deepest scar you see. Scar that actually came from what others see as magical and beauty. Do you want to know what it is? I've been given the most precious thing a woman can get. But I failed. I failed to create a miracle come to life, to give one a chance to live in this beauty created by Him. And that was the biggest regret of my life, the deepest scar I have which will never heal.

I was selfish, scared, confused, and bound to the beauty of youth. Those were the feeders of the monster I had been. Yes, this would be a little over for some but for a person who commits to never do it but somehow forced by the negative feeders and the weakness of her, it is unevitable crime.

I still think, think of what could have been. If I just have the guts to fight for you, little one. If only.. If only you could see the tears I had while I did it. If only you could see the whats going on inside that demented mind I had back then. But I never want to be pitied, all I wanted is the forgiveness from you, from Him, which I wouldn't get because I know I dont deserve one. And all I have to do is endure the nightmare of the past. And that nightmare will forever haunts me because in reality, the only way to heal the scars inside me, is really on me.

Please little one, help me. Help me forgive myself. I still cant accept that I let myself preyed upon by the feeders, poisoned by the fear of being judge in this ill society around me. Help me lift the weight of the guilt that still lingers.

My little one, I love you. Im sorry I cant keep you here, and that cuts like a knife. I know you'll be safer there. Just remember that I will never forget you. Till then my love, till then..