Mama,
You always hated when I called you that. At this point my only alternative is to refer to you by name, but that would be potentially damaging to you as a person and I have no intention of doing to you what you have done to me. It is important to me to make myself understood after all these years. In some ways, it is not just you I am addressing at this point. This has become a much larger issue. This affects the entire Autism community, not just our mother-daughter relationship.
It's been almost a year now since I was diagnosed with high functioning Autism, formerly known as Asperger's Syndrome. I was living in adult foster care when I sought and received my diagnosis; the answers to my questions were long overdue. I am well aware, now, that the school system made multiple attempts to inform you of my neurodiversity. I know because logic comes naturally to me. I remember having a conversation with my preschool teacher about my reading abilities. I remember having my IQ tested in third grade. And when I happily reported the news of my diagnosis to dad, he replied, "but we didn't think anything was wrong with you," and he'd be right. There is nothing wrong with being Autistic in any form. The public may wonder what your response was and so I share it here: you didn't even acknowledge what I had said. Your response was to talk about yourself, because this is about you and it always has been, hasn't it?
Still, you, not dad, chose to punish me in my childhood without explanation for sensory self stimulation, obsessiveness with science fiction, learning other languages, and choosing to read instead of playing outside. Instead of teaching me appropriate social skills, you simply punished me without explanation for acting differently. I've been unable to keep a job because I don't always know how to address a boss, a coworker, or a customer. Now, despite being in the top 1% of the intelligence range, I find myself financially dependent on the government instead of making a positive contribution to my community which is my birthright. Even volunteering has become unbearable. I've considered telling people that I'm a felon so they stop asking questions, but I can't bring myself to tell such an outright lie. So, having no way to navigate that situation, I've given up entirely for the time being.
I have bigger fish to fry than working at this time. Primarily, I am referring to trauma therapy. I know you did little to protect or nurture either one of your children, but as you were very open about my older brother being your favorite, it was only natural for you to reserve a very special sort of sadistic hell for me. You trained me quite well to be a scapegoat and a victim, and in my adult life I've been taken advantage of sexually, financially, and psychologically thanks to the lasting impact you made.
The ultimate irony in the situation is that many people with Asperger-Autism grow up to be fully functioning members of society because their parents helped them meet their developmental challenges as they arose, with or without a formal diagnosis. You, on the other hand, punished me for not meeting developmental challenges or for simply engaging in natural, Autistic behaviors. You taught me nothing. Had you accepted me and nurtured me, I likely would've grown up ready to meet the challenges of adulthood fully prepared.
There are two very distinct phrases that were repeated to me in childhood. The first was presented every time I asked for help, even having already tried to solve the problem on my own. "Figure it out!" you would say. Or scream. Depending on the time of day. The other was, "How dare you?" Also, usually screamed. God has not blessed me with any children but you had two. What I want to know is this: how dare you treat a blessing like garbage? Was I not quite what you wanted?
What I fail to understand is how a lesbian, a member of a misunderstood minority group, can alienate another human being for being the member of a misunderstood minority group. Or perhaps I threatened your sense of self. That's the only conclusion I can reach. Your identity is unstable and so to have a child like me was a threat to your precious ego.
Let me tell you why I am lucky to be Autistic. I go through periods of regression which allow me to reach developmental milestones that I was unable to achieve under the supervision of a caretaker such as yourself. I still use a teddy bear for sensory self stimulation, and while the people in my life don't always accept me, my teddy bear never has anything bad to say even when I've picked it to pieces. Age means nothing to me. I still look like a teenager, and it has helped me a great deal to learn that my development is and will always be different from those around me. While my social skills remain unusual and sometimes intolerable to those around me, I have demonstrated proficiency and even excellence in areas that many people cannot understand including the sciences, foreign languages, and art. Even though I am happy to remain single, I am comforted to know that there are five times as many men with my condition as women, and so my diagnosis actually increased my chances for romantic happiness. As long as I look in the right places, that is. Comic Con. The Internet. Tabletop gaming leagues. Etc. Oh, and one more thing. I'm strong. My body is built in a way that favors muscle development so I never really have to be afraid of anyone and I'm great at opening jars and lifting heavy furniture.
I want you to know that I forgive you but unfortunately, the love is gone. That love was based on the innocent trust that a child instinctively feels toward the primary caregiver but you did not give care. You dealt only in punishment for not meeting standards. There is nothing more abusive that you can do to a child than to punish her for being herself. I understand only now that this treatment came from a woman who saw me only as an extension of herself, never as the individual that I truly was. So when you try to call me or text me or be so bold as to tell me that you love me, I find it incredibly painful. Your attempts at communication only hurt me, so I am reduced to this: an open letter written in hopes that you might finally take responsibility for your choices and actions. I hope that you understand that this consequence is natural, the consequence being, of course, that I desire no communication with you at all. My wish is that you will come to accept me and that you will apologize for your actions, having understood them fully. I also hope that other parents of Autistic children learn to love and accept them for who they are before it's too late. Now that Aspergers in on the Autism spectrum, the Autism community has more of a voice than ever before. Do not treat us as if we were garbage or a mistake. You risk losing more than your social standing.
The ending is a happy one. I've been able to get off my lithium and sleep medication. I no longer desire to end my own life because it makes sense to me now. I use a weighted blanket for sleep and occasional bouts of anxiety. I can be found scratching my bear, cuddled up under the comfort of my blanket during meltdowns and nonverbal episodes. I recover faster. I am working toward adult functioning to the best of my ability through therapy and vocational rehabilitation with the ultimate goal being a career in engineering and owning my own home. I dream of having a beautiful garden and maybe someday, I might find a mate and adopt a little, neurodiverse baby who desperately needs parents who love him for who he is.
What is most sad to me is that if I allow you to be in my life, I will be unable to achieve these dreams, as I would be under your influence once again. Because I know that you have no dedication to real growth, I ask only that you stay away. This would be the most selfless act of love that you could offer at this point, and I will accept nothing less. It is the only way to say, "I'm sorry for what I've done, let me make it right."
Take care of yourself.
