Open Letters to Moms Who've Had a Miscarriage

Subject: Open Letters to Moms Who've Had a Miscarriage
From: Someone Who Cares
Date: 18 Mar 2020

To the mom who can’t stop thinking about the baby she lost,

I'm sorry.

I’m sorry that your arms are empty when they should be holding a little baby. Perhaps the hardest part of the miscarriage is the weeks and months later when every day feels like it could’ve been a milestone in that little angel’s life. Would they have taken their first steps today? Said their first word? I’m sorry that you won’t get to find out.

I’m sorry that every time you pass that room in your home, you hear silence instead of laughter. Hell, I’m sure you’d even be happy to hear crying; anything that resembles life would be better than this deadly silence.

I’m sorry that you had to hear all of the cliche phrases: “It happens for a reason” or “This was meant to be.” Sure, it might not have been time for that baby to be born, but that doesn’t change the fact that you came home empty-handed. That you have to watch people hold their babies and complain about how hard babies are, only you would’ve loved to have those hardships. You would have loved to be woken up at three am to the sound of your child crying for their mommy. Anything is better than waking up and for a split second thinking it was all a nightmare. Only to look down at your empty stomach and empty hands and realize it wasn’t.

I’m sorry that you don’t know why you had a miscarriage. One day there was a life inside of you and the next day there wasn’t. That’s not fair. How could that just happen? I don’t know. And many other women who have lost a baby don’t either. Fifty percent to be exact. These are your women. Talk to them, share with them, only they will know what you’re feeling.

I’m sorry that even a part of you thinks it’s your fault. That somehow there was something you could’ve done to keep the baby. I want you to know that it isn’t. Even if you did everything by the book, no amount of prenatal vitamins and exercise could have ensured that this baby would live. You had no control over that. And it’s okay to feel like that simple fact is not fair.

I’m sorry you feel alone. Like no one else has felt the way you do right now. Somehow something as common as miscarriage is still stigmatized in our society. This is why many women don’t share their stories. And why you feel this way. Think about four women you know: chances are one of them has had a miscarriage. Find that woman and share everything you’re feeling with her. She’ll know what it’s like to have constant, life-consuming thoughts about a child that was taken away too soon. Those few months were not enough, but he or she is with you every day in everything you do. Talking about him/her will help you realize that.

I’m sorry that you think your feelings are invalid. That because it has been x amount of time you should already be over it. To some extent, people may even think you are. Because on the outside you’re smiling, only they don’t know that on the inside you’re drowning in your own tears. It’s okay to not be “over it” even though it has been some time. This is a child we’re talking about, not a pair of shoes. No one can tell you how much time it’s gonna take you to heal; that’s up to you.

Perhaps most of all, I’m sorry that I can’t tell you how to make it all better. It seems like recovering after a miscarriage is truly just one of those things that take time. They say talking to a therapist, other women who have had a miscarriage, or a loved one helps expedite the process though. If remembering your child is what you need to do, then do it and don’t feel bad for it. Hold a memorial, put pictures of the ultrasound up, do whatever remembering him/her means to you. This is about you and what will help you come to terms with the fact that they’re gone.

At the same time though, don’t feel bad when it’s time to continue living your life. Just because you are no longer sad and thinking about them (your baby) every day does not mean that you have forgotten. Most parents say that they think about the child they lost about eleven times a month even five years later; that’s once every few days. And even if you end up only thinking about them once a week or once a month, there’s nothing wrong with healing, and focusing on your life at that moment. You are still a good mom.

I hope these ideas help, but if they don’t, know that that is okay. This is your path and your road to healing, and only you can carve that.

Someone who cares.