Dear Squirrels,
Today is Thursday, January 21st, 2016, but it is no ordinary day. Oh no. If today were an ordinary day, we wouldn’t be writing this letter to you, our natural enemy. We would be doing much more important things, like chasing our tail, or clocking in some nap hours, or sniffing sphincters.
Today, however, is National Squirrel Appreciation Day – a holiday we have no choice but to embrace. You know what we appreciate about you, squirrels?? Deez. Nutz. Your ratty, despicable faces and ungodly nut-hoarding instincts are just a couple of the reasons why us dogs terrorize you and think you’re trash, but on this day we will hold back on all of our hatred. We want nothing more than to chase your incomprehensibly disgusting squirrel asses around back yards and open fields like the vermin that you are, but today we will relent. We will put a proverbial muzzle on our barks, a metaphorical leash on our advances, and a figurative fence around our hostility.
We acknowledge you were dealt a shit hand, squirrels. We do not blame you for who you are, but we do blame you for everything else. We sit here seething on a daily basis, watching you leap from branch to branch high enough to evade our reach but close enough to be total dicks about it. Enjoy your day of freedom, squirrels. Come January 22nd it begins again …hold onto your nuts.
Sincerely,
Dogs
P.S. You’re not cool!
