open letter, open heart

Subject: open letter, open heart
From: underappreciated
Date: 27 Feb 2015

Dear "husband,"
I've always wanted to be married. But I've always said that I only want one marriage. That when I finally do get married, it's forever. All my friends in high school got married to their sweethearts or someone worthy of them. Someone who treats them like they are worth EVERYTHING. I was "engaged" twice, but they were far from worthy of me. Both were abusive. Then I found the strength in myself and loved and lived my life. Dated. Went out with girlfriends. Then met you. You were dating a friend of mine, and we hung out as friends, but she ended up doing you way dirty. She cheated on you the day you left to go home. And called you the next day to tell you and break up with you. I continued being your friend because you were cool and nice and didn't deserve that. I told you that the next time you came to town, that we'd go to the bar and I'd be your female wingman, and we'd find you someone to get you over my friend. Well, we didn't find anyone but we became better friends. Then we started dating a few months after. Secretly of course, because you have a crazy baby mama. (Who just happens to be a girl i knew from friends)

Fast forward to when your kid's mom finds out we're dating. She was PISSED! Yeah she called me a slut and other unsavory names but hey, I'm a strong woman and that doesn't get to me. She causes drama, calls cps a few times, even got your kids taken on false accusations. But we stuck together. I could have left then. Because I had a child I didn't want involved in this drama. But I stuck by you. We won. Fast forward another year, she's at it again, this time telling her daughter that you aren't her real father, she's 7 years old and you aren't her dad but you knew all along because you got with get mom when she was born. This causes more problems because your daughter doesn't know anyone but you as her dad. She acts out. But you act worse. You tell her that you don't need to be anything to her now. Tell her you hate her. That you want her gone. Who does that? You adopted her. This is your kid now. On to the boy, he started kindergarten. Is a hard transition for him and he acts out, runs from teachers, hits kids, basically act like an asshole. It's a hard year, but we get through it. He's getting better but not completely. But when he had bad days at school, you punished him inappropriately. Told him to go live with his mother and that you hated him. You always tell the kids you hate them. They never had a voice. But I'm their voice. You hear me and try to change.

Then you all of a sudden forget the changes. You start complaining about how the house is "never clean" you yell at us because it's not up to your standards of clean. I don't work outside of the home but I do try to keep the house presentable. Still not good enough, so now you have moved on to belittling me, verbally abusing me, telling me I'm lazy and do nothing, great thanks. I had a kid I was friends with, he listened. Maybe too much. I made a mistake. You found out, but we moved on. Or at least I did. You said you forgave me and we will work through it. 3 months later , we find out we're pregnant! Yes, we were trying. You have been asking me to marry you since forever, but I always told you that I needed to see the ring first because then I know you mean it. I'm 8 months pregnant now, you get me out of the house and set up your proposal, get our kids involved, 4 dozen roses, 2 heart shaped candle votives with the ring you designed presented in between them and sparkling cider since I'm pregnant. Of course I say yes. We're happy, we're going to have our baby soon. But we stay engaged for about 2 years. Dec 2014 we get married. Just legally. No dress no families just paperwork. Since then, you apparently forgot all the positive changes you made.
We're back to telling the kids you hate them. You threaten them with knives your cutting with. You tell me I'm lazy, that I don't clean the house. Let me tell you something, if I didn't do anything, this house would be worse. Maybe if I had help with the litter of puppies and our 5 kids and the housework it wouldn't look this way. You tell me of our friends wives who have spotless houses and cook and such. Thanks, I'm glad all the dog shit I'm cleaning everyday, the kids I'm dealing with everyday, the house I spot clean everyday the floors I vacuum everyday goes unnoticed and unappreciated. I'm glad you are focusing on what others have in their marriages instead of focusing on what yours needs. I'm tired of you making me feel like anything I do is for nothing, making me feel like in a bad person because I don't do more. Yes I voice my feelings but you make me feel as if they mean nothing to you, because you tell me I'm crazy or mock my feelings. I wonder where that strong woman is who left 2 physically abusive men.

Because right now I feel weak.