An open letter to that one parent

I remember when I decided it was time to have a baby, yes that's right....I. I say that because it was more of a decision for me than him. I have an older daughter and was scared of starting over with different obstacles. I think the most exciting part throughout the process was thinking I am totally having a girl, end of story. My husband said "oh no, it will be a boy", and we joked with one another a lot over what the sex would be. The reason I am writing this is to beg parents to not focus on the sex of their baby and get their hopes up which can lead to a lot of negative emotions. I was so persuaded that he (yes I had a boy) would be a girl that we already had a girl name picked out, although it was mainly because we agreed on the name. I don't recall focusing too much on boy names. There are many reasons I wanted another girl aside from pure cuteness. I wanted a little girl to put dresses on, and put headbands on her little baby head with those huge flowers or bows no matter how big. I wanted people to say "what a beautiful little girl you have", or ask if she was a daddy's girl. It got to be where I was having multiple dreams of my baby being a girl. I thought that I would miss out on so much while forgetting that "hey, I already have a girl that needs taught mom-daughter things". Like teaching her makeup tricks, what shoes go with what outfit, prom dress shopping, and hopefully she will let me help her pick out her wedding dress. I wasn't robbed of having a girl because I still had one that loves me more than anything and has a lot to learn from me.
I have a sister, nieces and a few female cousins so I think that's just what I was used to. Having a boy would be out of the norm for me and I held onto that. I don't know what to even do with a boy. Dirt, bugs, wrestling, being annoyingly loud, and the list in my head went on and on. I know how terrible I would and I also know that girls can do all these things as well but maybe I just view them differently. I somehow had it in my mind that boys weren't as sweet as girls, we all know this isn't the case but again, I had a distorted view of things. I had a blood test done around 12 weeks and the results take about 14 days which was agony, and I was more concerned about the sex of the baby and not the most important....being healthy. A friend of mine graciously agreed to make a cake that would reveal boy or girl. She brought it over and it say there for about 45 minutes until my daughter came home and was able to share the experience with us. I remember saying God please be a girl, please be a girl. The moment came and my daughter cut the cake and blue and white M&Ms fell out. I wouldn't say that I was in disbelief because I tricked myself into thinking it would be a girl, but deep down knew it would be a boy all along. Every time I had that feeling of a boy I would just say nope I am having a girl. We were leaving for vacation the next day and I remember laying in bed crying and being utterly sickened with myself thinking how selfish I was being. My husband just telling me it's ok, but he could tell I was upset when the cake was cut. I totally robbed myself, but more importantly my husband in some way with how I felt and I can't get that moment back. The moment that should have been nothing but pure joy turned to be all about me. One of the biggest regrets I have.
The value of me telling everyone how selfish I was, and I do believe selfish is the right term, is to try to help save a mother (I choose mother not parents, because ultimately the women in my opinion will have the feelings of guilt) from major disappointment. I think that a lot of parents do have a preference whether they say it or not, so they don't sound so bad. It was always the cliche "happy and healthy" that I kept hearing. I would just agree while secretly thinking "yes happy and healthy, but a girl as well". I know some people will sit behind their computer, phone, or iPad and say "wow, what kind of person thinks that way"! Rhetorical and self righteous in a sense, but no one can make me feel worse than I did lying in bed crying.
As my pregnancy went on I slowly accepted it but not 100%. I robbed myself of being excited and put on a happy face when I told people it was a boy. Again, I sound terrible. Other than the pain from I endures daily from a misaligned rib I should have enjoyed my pregnancy more. I am not saying that I wasn't excited but I feel like if I would have not cared from the beginning on the sex of the baby that I would have been more excited. Every time he kicked I loved it, and this daily hiccups reminded me that my body was doing something remarkable that some women who can't concieve would kill for. I risk myself that when he was born of course I would feel differently and that was more than the case. Giving birth is one of the most beautiful things on earth and I am fortunate enough to be able to experience that. When he was born it was overwhelming, all those emotions just flood your heart and knowing that this tiny beautiful baby solely depends on you is a feeling that can't be replaced.
The feeling of caring if it was a boy or girl disappeared like it had never even entered my mind, but once we got home other emotions set in and it wasn't pretty. The guilt and sadness didn't hit until he was around two weeks old and I just cried and cried while telling him how sorry I was for feeling how I felt. It saddens me to think that I was so caught up in wanting a girl and not caring about the fact that I was carrying another life inside me. This went on for a little while longer and some could argue that it was just hormones (typical statement). To have to apologize over and over to a baby is dreadful and I want to let others know that the feelings I had over having a boy or girl are normal. People can say all they want that they don't care but a small part of some people do care. I just happen to be a little more vocal than others about my preference.
To this day I have some guilt but I don't let it consume me like it almost did. I have apologized to my son and to God. I love my baby more than words can express and that's all that matters. Maybe some parents who read this can find some peace knowing that feelings aren't reliable and it is very hard to discount them. Just embrace your pregnancy in spite of whether you're having a boy or girl. The vast majority of people don't take it to the extreme like I did and the bliss that is lost during pregnancy because I focuses too much on wanting a girl can't be replaced. I love my little boy just as much as if I would have had a little girl. He will be just as sweet as a little girl and people still say he is beautiful just like they would if he was a girl so nothing was lost. What I gained was a little boy who will love me to the ends of earth.