Dear the one I love the most,
Let me start off by saying that since you've been gone, I have learned a lot.
Everyday I wake up and I feel myself becoming a better person, I have you to thank for that.
Nothing will ever take the pain away though. I will live the rest of my life having a missing piece in my heart. That piece is in heaven right with you. I will have that piece back someday. I know you are waiting for me too. After your death I started looking at life so differently.
Words Hurt.
Some things people say really puzzle me. One inconsiderate comment I hear within the whispers in the classroom run through my head all day. After your suicide I learned to bit my tongue more than I ever thought was capable. It isn’t easy but I know that not everyone is mature enough to realize what other people might be going through.
Life goes on, no matter how hurt you are.
After I lost you, I was lost. My phone and social media were flooded with sympathy, love and kindness. I was in such a haze and didn’t really get to look at all the messages, posts, etc till recently. I wanted time to slow down, back up, stop, something. All I knew was that I didn’t want life to go on without you. No matter how much hurt and sadness you are feeling, time and life goes on. People will comfort you for a while but their life goes on too.
Regret.
After losing someone you love to suicide you generally have regret. My regret set in not even 15 seconds after I found out you were gone. I still had school so I couldn’t see you every night, sometimes not even for weeks. That was my regret. WHY didn’t I make enough time for everything. I know you loved me very much. I know it isn’t my fault. I know your illness is what took over. I still can’t help to think if maybe I would have called you when I was planning on it before my nap if I could have saved you. Regret. It breaks your heart.
Angry.
I have my moments where I am just SO mad that you left me here. You know how much I needed you and loved you. I cry out of anger. Why didn’t you tell me how miserable you were? Why didn’t you call me? I can’t get to angry. I know depression is real. I hope you are finally at peace in your own head.
Motivation.
You were my personal cheerleader. You cared about my grades and future. “Taylor you are going to be a doctor” :) You wanted the best for me. We talked about college all the time. You always reminded me how proud you were. Even though you aren’t here you still motivate me everyday. Guess what dad. I have a 92% in College Algebra!!!!! You know how much I always struggled with math. (Thanks for giving me some good luck) You’ve always been on my team.
Love.
My love for you Dad is impossible to put into words but I will try. You were my first love and I am so grateful that YOU of all the dad’s in the world were picked to be mine. I mean who wouldn’t want Jody Wayne as their dad? My heart can’t handle all the endless love I have for you. Love is something your death can’t take away from me.
I know that was random and a mess but I was just trying to put SOME of my thoughts into words. I cherish our memories so much. I will forever miss watching our favorite shows together and making each other laugh until our stomachs hurt. I pray to you every night. I hope you hear me, Dad. I need you more than ever. I can’t wait to see you.
Love You Always.
Your Daughter.
