To my rapists,
Four whole years later.. finally able to say that word. It took me years to be able to identify you as the ones to blame, not me. It was you who took my innocence at fourteen. Fourteen years old.
Do you remember that night? I barely do. Funny how that worked out for you. I wonder what goes through your mind these days if you ever think about what you did to me.
I bet you think I didn't hear about all the times you joked around to your friends in school about how you should do it again, how fun it would be. I wonder if you knew your effect on me every time I caught a glimpse of you in the school hallway. Living in constant fear, always anticipating the next panic attack.
I wonder how you think it felt to tell my parents, almost a year later, when I finally gained the courage. What do you think they felt when they found what had happened to me, their little girl. How they felt when they knew I'd been blaming myself all that time. Imagine the anger that my father felt. Not to mention my brothers. Oh wow, I know they'd love to kick your asses.
You'd better hope that if you ever have children, your sons do not take after you. I hope your daughters never encounter monsters like yourselves. Do you ever think about that? I am someone's daughter.
I wonder how easy you think it was for me to bring what little evidence that I had to the detectives. To have meeting after meeting with the DA, to tell my story over and over. All for nothing. All I wanted was for you to experience some kind of blame. I am sure you didn't know that 97% of rapists never see a jail cell. 97%. How does it feel to be a part of that percentage?
I wonder if you know that I still cannot sleep most nights, waking up shaking from the nightmares of what I have remembered over the years, what I have been able to piece together. You have made me fear all men at parties, always imagining the worst case scenario of what could happen. I don't think I could survive it again.
How well do you sleep at night? Nothing for you to worry about, right? You did nothing wrong. My fault. Nothing on your conscience.
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"Rape is the only crime in which the victim becomes the accused."
-Freda Adler
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I wonder how you'd feel if you knew how I coped with the anger I had towards you, and also myself. I drove myself crazy with self-blame. I wonder if you'd care if you knew how many times I thought- maybe death would be more bearable than living. Or if you knew that I hurt myself more and more because of the thought of what you did to me. What you took from me. You don't have any idea, no remorse. Are you capable of any feeling?
They say everything happens for a reason, I say that's bullshit. There is no reason for monsters such as yourselves to have a place in this world. However, here I still stand today, with a family as loving as ever, with amazing, supportive friends, at a college that I love.
I still struggle, some days more than others. Some days you enter my head and the anger fills my whole body. Some days it is hard to get out of bed. But I do it because you will not win. I have gotten this far, and I will continue to tell my story, and become a stronger person because of it.
I hope to God every day that this will someday catch up with you. You deserve some suffering, too. I think I've done enough.
