Thursday, February 6th, 2014 will always be the day where you were taken too soon and my life changed forever. In one morning, I had to face the fact that I would have to accept the unimaginable, leave my old life behind and start looking at life from a different point of view, one where you were no longer with us. I had known no other life without you and it physically hurt to think about living this way.
It's been two years since I answered the door that morning only to find out that my little brother had passed away. One look at our cousin, who had been sent to get me, and somehow I instantly knew that it was you. She didn't have to say anything, something clearly was not right, and I had this overwhelming feeling that you were gone. In that single moment, my world instantly came crashing down.
I always knew that we were lucky and had a good relationship because we were so close and acted more like best friends than siblings. We always joked about how we should have been twins because we were so alike and how having a sibling was basically a "built in best friend". I feel blessed I got to spend 19 years with a brother who taught me so much, made me laugh until I cried, listened to all my stories, sat in silence to just chill, or drive around listening to music because we were bored. We could always get into something. I can't tell you how many times there has been a new song or story that I wanted to hear your response to. How much I miss you making fun of me or seeing your name pop up on my phone. I miss our weekly dinners, your hugs, mischievous grin, jokes and laughter that filled the house with joy.
Over the past two years I have learned that the most cliché sayings are cliché because they are the truth. "It's the little things that mean the most", "you find out who your true friends are," and "don't take things for granted," are just a few that come to mind. Although, most of these sayings I have found to be true, some however are not. Time does not heal all wounds. In my personal opinion, time heals nothing. Time does not bring you back or change what happened. I've figured out that as months go by, I only have learned different ways to cope with this tragedy and how to comfort those around me who have been affected as well. Time doesn't take the pain away, we only learn how to deal with it in better ways. In the short nineteen years that I got to have such an amazing person in my life, you taught me so much. Although, you were the younger one, I looked up to you.
When you're growing up you picture certain life events and you were in every single one of them. The thought that you will not physically be at birthdays, holidays, graduations, and weddings are something that instantly bring tears to my eyes. The nieces and nephews that I won't get to meet, and the uncle my children will never get to have, are something I think about all the time. However, I find some comfort in knowing that you're watching over all of us and not missing anything. There are special days when something catches my eye that instantly reminds me of you and I like to think it's you letting me know that you're there. I've learned that time is a tricky thing. Two years seems like a long time some days, but then it seems like just yesterday I was on the phone with you. Each day passes, but I want to hold on because without you here with me, it gets harder. I can't wait to see you again someday and it will be like no time has passed.
I want people with siblings to give them that extra minute of their time or call them just to chat. Tell them you love them. Let them know how important they are to you. We really don't realize how lucky we are and we should cherish our loved ones while we have our time with them. I want you to know how much I cherished you and our relationship.
In the end, I hope that you're happy with the decisions I'm making, and I want you to be proud of me and the person I'm trying to become. You were truly one of a kind and one of the good ones.
With all my love,