To my husband, the addict. I understand you've battled and fought this horrible addiction for many years. I married you knowing that. I married you thinking the love from me and my son would somehow magically fix you. I also married you understanding that it's a daily struggle for the rest of our lives. I thought "I'm strong. I can handle this. I was so wrong on every single level. Even on the levels I never imagined or thought. I do realize that, in some twisted way, I've become an enabler by allowing you to continue coming home after you every few months binges in which you would leave home for about a week at a time.
Then things were back to normal. It was always in the back of my head wondering when the next time would be. The next time me and my son would endure the pain of you being in such a dangerous place and not at home with your family. I slowly changed myself because of this worry. Making sacrifices to not see my friends, who have always been by my side and NEVER let me down. Makes no sense to me, being that you continuously let me down. I wanted to "fix" you. And while that didn't work, I don't regret it, because I did try. I tried harder than you! I tried because I know your love for me and my son is so strong and when you are home/sober, you are the most amazing man. I can't say enough good things about you. You are loved! And I am loved by you way more than anyone has ever dared to love me. That's what makes this so hard.
Today, you accepted help. You entered rehab. One way different from any help you've ever received. So now the real work begins... for both of us. While I hope and pray that you are able to focus and work hard on getting better, I also pray that I am able to support you how you need to be supported. I also pray that these emotions I'm experiencing will soon make sense. Do I even want to put my energy into this? Am I willing to completely rearrange my life just to make your daily struggle easier? My first instinct is HELL NO! But in the last few weeks I've prayed about this and God has instructed me to be still. I have removed your pictures from our home and now my precious 2 year old son no longer asks where you are. I've got him to think about first and foremost, which only clouds my over-emotioned brain and heart. Clearly my choice is him. I will do everything to protect him from continuing to witness your addiction and self destruction. But that doesn't mean I love you any less. Complicated? Of course! I pray that you stay in treatment and focus on YOU and the help you need. It is my vow to handle all of the complicated mess in my head, while running our home by myself. I haven't given up hope for you, but I'm on the brink... However, I am very proud that you made the decision to seek help. In the meantime, we will just have to see how all of these emotions and doubts pan out. I'm sure that whatever happens is all in God's plan for all of us.
