An open letter to my friends

Subject: An open letter to my friends
From: The girl who always gets left behind
Date: 7 Jun 2020

Hi. I don't know how to formally start this letter. Maybe I should start with how I feel and what my thoughts are. Or should I start with all the questions I have?

As you might know, I always have a lot of questions in my head. I want answers to every question as it is my way to move on, kind of like a closure in case you already want me out of my life.

For whatever reason, I can't understand how I can't maintain a friendship. What is wrong with me? What is it about me that made you decide to leave me?

We've been friends for a few years. We met each other at a company. We were all promoted at different times and have the same position at work. We almost have the same shift. We eat together, talk together and sometimes even go home together. You were like the sisters I have never had. There were some misunderstandings in the past, but our friendship prevailed. We've undergone a lot of ups and downs which made us even closer to each other.

Then one day, my work hours changed. I was suddenly the odd man of the group. You became a little distant. It was as if there's a different bond between the 4 of you. You often talk about stuff I have no idea of. It was like I was always the last to know.

A few months after, one of you had to leave the company because you wanted to go home and chase your dream of becoming a teacher. Again, I was the last person to know. You had a boyfriend, and you guessed it right - I was the last person to know. You were the one I was closest with out of the 4 of you. We even planned leaving the company to chase our dreams secretly, and yet a month before you left felt like I was the one with the worst relationship with you. You still chatted with us when you got to your hometown but it became lesser until you rarely send messages through our group chat.

3 months after, I left the company to work for another company that offered me more money and more benefits. I had to go because I needed more money to fulfill some of my goals, and the 3 ladies I left understood. All 4 of you supported me. We continued talking through our group chat and sometimes even through private messages (except for the one who left first because she barely sends messages via the group chat).

Fast forward to a year later - it's been 2 weeks since we've talked to each other. No one has sent any messages on our group chat, but you 3 were still actively tagging each other on Facebook like I never existed. I checked our group chat on Hangouts only to find out that you kicked me out of the group chat.

What happened between us? What has gone wrong? Do you want me out of your lives because I work somewhere else now? Was it because our friendship was only offered to those who work at the same company? Or am I really meant to be alone? Just like how I had a lot of questions when a guy lied to me big time a few years ago and wanted answers from him to get my closure (but I never have gotten any answers at all), I have a lot of questions to ask you. I am too afraid to ask because I don't want to have a messy relationship with you all.

I am afraid of rejection. I am worried you'd say straight to my face that you want me out of your lives. I just can't hear those words from you. It hurts me a lot by just thinking about it. I love you and I miss you all so much. And I still want to be friends with you all. I don't know when I'm going to have the courage to say all of these things to all of you, or if I'll ever have the courage to do so. So, I'll just leave this letter right here in case you'll be able to find it or it ever gets to all of you.