I went to the hospital today. I walked in not knowing what to expect. I almost didn't go. I didn't want to make it about me. Because it's not about me, it is about all of those lost souls who could not find the will to keep going.
I'm not angry at you, I'm the opposite of angry. I can't find the word to describe how I feel. Because there isn't one word that can describe the puzzle going on inside of me. I know what that feeling is, to feel like there is nothing left. An emptiness that splits you open causing a pressure so strong that feeling and emotion are no longer there. This sense of urgency to make it all stop. Maybe if you knew that sometimes it's okay to feel like this, you would still be with us.
When I held your hand it was still warm and I became hopeful that this wasn't your time. When I looked at your face, still flush with color, I thought maybe this isn't as bad as it sounds. But then I looked at the machine breathing for you.. your eyes didn't move and your temperature would rise and fall. I wanted to talk to you. But I didn't know what to say.
I guess I would have told you that it's okay. I understand.
The night before I came to visit you I didn't sleep at all. I kept reminding myself that we had grown apart. That I shouldn't go, because it would be selfish of me to take the time to see you in such a state. But when I arrived at your door I had this intense feeling. Even though you didn't know I was there, I was glad I was able to see you one last time.
I keep hearing people say, "I wish he would have said something," or "I wish I could have done more."
I adore you, but i understand that you did not want to burden anyone with what you were feeling. I know you did not intend to hurt anyone in this process. You were carrying something so heavy, and you found a way to let it go. I know asking for help probably made you feel even worse. You probably thought people wouldn't want to listen. You were always the one listening. Even at the young age of thirteen when we first met. You were the best listener. You always waited patiently. I was that way too. Until I found it hard to carry everyone else's weights on my shoulders. I let them roll off and I lost a lot of friends. But in the process I was able to find myself. I was selfish to become my own anchor. But I was drowning. I have a feeling you were too. There is so many ways you could have been helped, but if this was your time to go.. then this was your time to go. I can't sit and wonder why forever, although I probably will. I can't bring you back. But I will keep the memories we made together. No one can take those from me.
You had so much more to give, but you've also left behind amazing memories for all of us to cherish.
The worst is over, friend. I'll see you some day again.
