Hi, Daddy.
It never crossed my mind that one day I'd be writing you this messy and unorganized letter.
We both knew that when I was growing up, I didn't really have a father that I could look up to.
Yes, we were best of friends when I was still your little girl. You taught me how to swim and how to love the beach. We'd play a lot of boy games even though I wasn't really a boy, but what we did not know was fate also played games with our family.
I was too young to understand why you and Mommy had to live separately. Why I had to be with you during the weekdays and be with Mommy on the weekends (or vice versa). Why I had to choose when we can live together. I never knew the reason why until I figured it out on my own. I just wanted to deny and say that it wasn't real.
That's why, for the five birthdays that I'd had, I never stopped wishing that you and mommy would get back together. Time went by, a lot of things happened, and I started to realize that my wishes wouldn't really come true.
I tried to understand that you couldn't visit me or attend my school events as much as you would like to. I started seeing things I didn't want to see you doing and every time I went home to Tagum you'd leave me with Mama (Lola).
I was never angry at you, Daddy. I tried my best to understand, but then you stopped Wishing me a happy birthday when I turned 12 and the following birthdays after that. I was deeply hurt, because you forgot and you didn't know that my birthdays were my favorite events.
I stopped reaching out to you, because I felt that you stopped reaching out for me too. Every time I went home, you wouldn't be there and I wouldn't see you for the next couple of months, or even for a year. I heard a lot of bad things about you. How much of a headache you were to Mama and Papa, that's why you couldn't blame me when I started to have bad images of you (and a lot more reasons).
But Daddy, no matter how bad you look to me, or how many times I tell myself and others that I didn't want to see you, believe me when I say that I'd be secretly happy whenever I was lucky enough to see you. I would remember that I still had a father even though things had changed a lot.
Daddy, do you know that my greatest fear will always be losing someone that I love? Now that you and Papa Vic are gone, I am facing my greatest fear for the second time. Not just one, but two of the most important people in my life ... at the same time.
When Papa Vic passed away, you went along with him exactly a week after. I feel so devastated. I wasn't able to talk to the both of you before each of you left. Daddy, you didn't wait for me when I was already just an hour away. I wasn't able to tell you how sorry I am for wasting a lot of years. I wasn't able to hold your hand when you were fighting for your life. I wasn't able to tell you how much I loved you even though fate was cruel to us.
I am so disgusted with myself, because it took your death to know how to forgive and how to accept. I loathe myself so much because I've always referred to you as the "Bad Father" when, in fact, I was no good as a daughter either.
You weren't the best dad, but I wasn't the best daughter too. I found it hard to forgive, because I was too narrow-minded. I was too selfish and too self-centered that I didn't even care how you might have felt. I was jealous, because you showed so much love for my brother and I thought I had none left.
I know that it's too late but I will forever and always be so sorry.
I am so sorry for the times I've wasted. I am so sorry that instead of helping you, I just pushed you out of my life. I am so sorry that I had let my pride took control over me. I am so sorry that whenever you hugged me, I didn't return it. I am so sorry that I did not greet you on your last birthday and on your last Father's Day. I am so sorry that it took me until yesterday to accept your "new" family of 10 years. I am so sorry if I only replied "thank you" when you messaged me on my 20th birthday. I am so sorry if that was our last conversation. I am so sorry for not believing that you were sorry. I am so sorry for not being sorry all these years. I am so sorry that you weren't able to live that long. I am so sorry that life wasn't really fair to us. We regret things when it is already a little too late and I will never ever be able to forgive myself. I am truly deeply so sorry, Daddy.
In my next life, I'd still choose you as my father and I wish you'd still choose me to be your daughter, but let's change our fate when that time comes.
Daddy, I wish you're happy wherever you are right now. I wish that you're with Mama, Papa, and Tito Edwin. I promise to do my very best in taking care of my sister and my brother and give what's best for them.
I wish that you will help me, my sister, and my brother get through life's challenges together and guide us wherever you may be.
Daddy, I love you so much. Please rest now.
Love,
Your daughter
