It wasn't too long ago that we were down this same path before. For more than half of my life, I have been a drug addict. This lifestyle of mine kept a certain distance between us that never was spoken much about.
I started using drugs at the young age of 15 to cover any emotion that I never wanted to deal with. It wasn't until I was prescribed to opioids at the age of 26, that I discovered what it meant to be an addict. After 6 months of continuous opioid scripts, my insurance ran out and there wasn't any more scripts written in my name. This addiction to these pills was more than emotional, but physical. I needed these pills to function, to go to work in the morning, to be a productive member of society. I found them on the street and when they became more expensive, I discovered heroin. I never had an issue walking away from any other substance before. I was able to handle the emotional pain without the other drugs. It was the physical pain from not having the opioids that I could not handle.
At the age of 31, you, my sister, took me in. Got me away from that life. Showed me what it was like to be clean and sober for the first time.
I lived almost 2 years clean and sober until tragedy hit my life. I found out the day before my 33rd birthday that I was pregnant. Before I could even process this information, before you knew it, I was in the hospital miscarrying. The pain was so great that the hospital gave me morphine, not even asking my background.
The pain of the miscarriage was not what caused me to relapse. It was the emotional anguish of not having anyone that I felt I could talk to. I had a boyfriend who was relieved because he didn't feel like we were ready for a child and a sister that could have children of her own. Mom, you and I never had a relationship. My brother and I never did either. All that was left was my father, the only other person I could always talk to, and he left this earth 4 years prior.
I never picked up the phone to call anyone, but I did pick up the needle again. It was the only thing that I knew could take away the pain because that's all I've ever known.
I went on a 9 month run this time around and sought help, when you, my sister and my boyfriend gave me that family intervention.
I gave up my will and way of life because obviously my way of life has not worked out for me in the past. I accepted life on life's terms. I am giving my will up to my higher power.
It's now coming up on the Easter holiday. A holiday in which we always spent celebrating my birthday since it always fell around the same time. Here I am, 70 days clean, and no phone calls from you on Easter plans or my birthday celebration.
I want you to know that I know I've kicked you all in the teeth. My relapse however was the best thing that has ever happened to me. I have learned so much more than I have the first time around. I needed this time to know that I never want to go back to that life again.
So even though you choose not to have me in your life at the present moment, I do not regret anything. Things I have done are just that. Things that I have done. It does not define me as a person. I can only learn from my mistakes, and I have. One day at a time....
