Open Letter To My Ex-Best Friend Who Abandoned Me Like All The Others
I remember the first day we met. I just moved to this school about 8 months ago, I lost all my friends and I had no real “best friend” since everyone I loved either ditched me for more popular, talkative, pretty girls,or moved, I was used to being alone, and that familiar feeling of “abandonment” lingered in my mind, I had trust issues. But I still kept high hopes, I thought about this new school I could start fresh.
I remember when you first came up to me It actually took a couple days to start talking to me, but we clicked after that.
We talked after school every single day, we spent our breaks talking about anime. You’d ramble about it for hours, even though I was hesitant at first and stopped watching it. You brought me back in and we grew closer. For once-- once in my life, I thought this friendship would be different. I thought you were different, you were funny, we liked the same things. You were the only person I hanged out with.
You started changing though, more and more you started putting in less effort. You never asked me if I wanted to talk after school or hang out. I always had to approach you first, I noticed it a bit but just brushed it off. You were still the same person, I kept making up every excuse in my head to why you were acting like this, I believed all of them. You started venting out things about fake people, annoying people, just starting calling out a majority of people I knew of, just not of. I believed every word you said, you never lied to me before so...why would you now? I started hating people I never had any personal experience with.
Our video calls got shorter, you seemed more apathetic. When you invited me to your birthday party I was feeling depressed the whole time, don’t get wrong, it was your party and you were differently allowed to hang out with other people. But when I first arrived and saw you, you were playing arcade games with different people, you didn’t even notice me for a good hour. I sat out of the arcade for a while, you didn’t care until the middle of it. I barely ate during that party, I played most games by myself. You still hanged out with me a little though, I just thought this party would be-- you know, more different; by the tone you and words you used while talking to me on call. I thought it would be a best friend ‘get away’, where we all could hang out. I didn’t think much of it though, I thought I was delusional, it was your party anyways. Your special day, I thought I was being greedy.
Out of my boredom I got and picked up a piece of paper and decided to read the guest list.
I was confused for a moment, you invited a girl you used to talk shit about left and right. I got suspicious. I wanted to confront you about it, but you were having so much fun and I felt like a 3rd wheel, “It doesn’t matter too much I guess” I brushed it off quickly, that’s what I told myself at the time.
You started getting into different fandoms, you became obsessed with Kpop, and the whole country of South Korea. I didn’t care too much though, you were allowed to like things I didn’t have an interest in. As someone who was a “loner” type person, I gave you some space so you could enjoy those things without me since I knew alone time was important.
You started not having video calls with me though, you were almost always at your cousin's house. You went on and on about Kpop and your crushes. I just didn’t get it, but I smiled and nodded on though while you rambled. Since talking about it made you happy, I thought maybe one day I could get into it, I tried my best, It just wasn’t my thing.
I started thinking this “friendship” was one-sided. I sometimes joke around about you being “too obsessed” with Kpop. You’d always retaliate though, saying that I was allowed to like animes she didn’t watch, so why couldn’t she like Kpop? That was a good point. I didn’t want to intrude and make you unhappy so I stopped complaining. I thought you were just “part of a fandom” I never thought it was unhealthy, I should’ve though.
You always brushed it off and made me think my suspicions about you were not valid when I felt concerned. You’d stay up unreasonably late reading fanfics, you’d stop talking to me a lot just to read it, you made me listen to it despite me saying it just wasn’t my thing. I thought it all was just normal fangirl behaviour-- I thought you were just super enthusiastic I hate myself for not seeing all this sooner.
Fast forward a couple months now It’s the first week of September, new girls moved in. You were still my friend, you didn’t bat an eye at these new girls and I was starting to think maybe my thoughts of getting replaced, or that her Kpop obsession wasn’t really as bad as I thought. I lied to myself and made myself believe this was normal. It was all “okay” until a new girl moved in, her name started with S, she was Korean and liked Kpop. I thought it was great she moved in at the start, I’d have a new friend and you’d have someone to talk about Kpop with. We could all hang out and she seemed really sweet and not like a bad person.
Until you started talking to me less and less and less. It started with just a couple days, I let you guys hang out since I don't wanna seem clingy and your conversations about Kpop didn’t interest me. Then it turned into 4 days, then 5 days, I checked my messages.
No messages, I decided to confront you about this, I was angry and I regret it. I remember I said something along the lines of “I’ll honestly laugh if you don’t reply to me in a week”...I really didn’t laugh though. A week passed, I was so angry with you that I decided to hold an experiment. I was gonna not talk to you at all, in real life and online. To see if you even cared or even messaged me back at all. I knew you read my message, you never replied though, once she did though--
Oh boy, you pulled out all the bullshit excuses in the book, the reply was so vague I didn’t know it came from you at first. You said you were “sorry” It felt wrong, I kept reading. You said you “were a bad person” and that “I was forced into this” I was hurt and confused. It didn’t make any sense. I then realized this was all probably a guilt trip to make me feel bad, make me feel like she was the real victim here. I read the last few lines, you said: “you were the best friend and sister ever had, and people hate me for that :’D, I would talk to you but S is clingy af” I was held back. You really did replace me, didn’t you? You thought this was all a game? I tried calming myself down. This made me realize so many things and everything clicked.
You were real at the start, you probably pitied me for being alone at break time and wanted to be a hero for me. Once you lost interests in the stuff we both liked, It seemed to you that you lost value in the friendship. You wanted me to support you by hating the people you hated with no real reason except for accusations that I didn’t even know were true, but you made me believe them and you gained my trust because you put the label “best friends” on us. When we were at our best, I remember saying “we’re sisters not related by blood, but by heart” I lived by that line. We so many good memories together you made me not realize your flaws, you weren’t forced into anything. This was all on you JD, I seriously hope you never pull this shit ever again.
I remember you used to talk shit about “fake friends”, that’s funny. Now I have someone else to add to the list.