I write this more for me, then for you. Granted I wouldn't mind you seeing this and I wouldn't mind it ripping you to pieces like you ripped me into two pieces, but its just stuff I can't just say out loud to someone. As I look back to my childhood when I was around you I can't recall having any memories that I'm fond of. With all the yelling and fighting I saw when I was around you it's crazy that I'm not crazy like you. Granted I was taken away when I was three, but as I got older my question was always " why did she give up on her only daughter? "
And now I'm 18 years old, & I understand things a little bit more clearly. I'm not as lost and upset about all this as I was before. But the question still lingers around and it has all these years and it's always going to be the same but it's not as worried about it often.
And sometimes I wish I could actually call you mom and say I love you and I mean it but I can't. And I know that's probably one of the most hurtful things that you've ever heard but I haven't been allowed to say I love you mean it for a very long time and I'm sorry for that even though you should be the one who is sorry.
You love drugs and alcohol way more than you love me and I don't care what you say that in itself is hard for me to swallow. And in my head I'm thinking day by day that you're going to change but I know it will never happen. I'm always trying to be the bigger person and forgive but a piece of myself just won't let go with the trauma that you enforced into me. I never had a mom to run to to kiss my knee when I scratch it, to wipe away the tears, to kiss me goodnight, to talk about all the teenage girl stuff that I should have had. lnstead I had a mom who had too many mugshots to count and too many drugs to know what to do with. I had a mom that I can't even have the nerve to invite to my wedding because I'm afraid should do something to cause someone harm rather than good and you know it hurts, a lot.
But you know in the end you have shown me the life is worth more than the pop of the pill or the tilt of a bottle. You have shown me that I can make something of myself. And even when things get rough and I feel like I'm down and out, I can pray and fix it. God put you in my life as an example and I promise I won't make the same mistake and follow it.
