Nothing more rough than growing up without a father. But it's more worse being sent into foster care because of his actions. Its worse when you grow up in a home without your parents. The day I got the phone call my dad passed changed my life.
This was a man I had a few visitations with before his rights were tirminated. This is the man who was suppose to tuck me into bed and night and read me a story.
Instead this man was weak. This man left me for someone else's problems because he was to scared and to big of a coward to face them. This man had a wrap sheet two pages long. He was unstable, being a foster kid himself, he didn't know how to raise a child. Both my parents bailed. And to my dad. My dad who passed away my 10th grade year, I'm learning to love myself and forgive you for your wrong.
Because of you, I have the self esteem issues. I have no boundries on the type of men I allow in my life. Because of you, I have let the men who treat me horrible into my life. The men that call me names, and put their hands on me. I've invited the worst of the worst into my life Because you weren't there to show me. You weren't man enough to be there for your daughters who needed you the most.
Instead we grew up in a home with a single adoptive mother. No father. Weve come to agree it's us sisters against the world. What I've realized is that, I seem to grab into people who have had issues as mine growing up. I go to them for their opinions on how they deal with such things.
Growing up in foster care was hard, losing our visitation rights were hard. But the hardest thing was knowing how big of a piece of shit you were, and I still wanted you in my life. And that goes to show the type of men I allow in my life. When I got that call that you passed I was not sure how to feel. At 15 years old I never knew 10 years later it would be affecting me. My life would do a 360 and I'd feel this type of way.
You have scared me. You have had me up at a hours of the night crying because I see what I'm allowing my future to become. Because your not here, I drown myself around men who don't care. Because you decided you didn't want to partake in my upbringing, I never will have that daddy daughter dance or be daddy's little girl. Instead I'm a strong stone cold heart girl. The girl who sees bad in everyman.
I vow to not allow men like you in my life anymore. I vow to forgive you even though you don't deserve any part of me. I'm doing this for me. And for me to move on.
I have no loved myself in a very long time and I'm on my way to doing so today.
