Dear Herman,
I almost never say your name out loud. Last I heard, a couple of weeks ago, you were sick and the doctors don't think you are going to make it. I was happy when I heard this because I wanted nothing more than for you to lie in the grave you dug for yourself as your demons dragged you to hell, but then I felt bad, but you don't get to make me feel bad anymore.
You did horrible unspeakable things to me. You entered my body and ruined my soul for years. I can still hear the jingle of your belt sometimes or some days I catch a whiff of your cologne. You know what I remember most, my knees popped all the time probably from the amount of time I spent on them thanks to your perverted fantasies.
I was a kid, I was confused and I didn't know what to do. I held this rage inside me and took it out on other people and on some days I still do. You raped other women and got away with it, but I want you to know that the only person you can never get away from is yourself. Every time I picture you, all is feel is pain, I hate the way I remember you.
I don't even know how to have a balanced relationship with someone because I'm constantly scared of losing them and being alone in the dark you put me in. I'm scared that i'm smothering or standoffish. All this anger I held inside of me and none of it was ever directed at you, even now. I directed it all at myself. I looked in the mirror and saw a stranger staring back at me. I was so cold and I put up walls because I was afraid to let anyone in. I grew up to be closed off when I was so open and friendly.
I was angry at God and I would turn away from him because I just couldn't understand why me. I was screaming at him, God why me? What did I do wrong? I let you stand between me and God and when I kicked you out my life changed. God changed me, no God healed, restored, resurrected my heart, body, mind, and soul. I let God in first and we have developed a relationship stronger than steel.
God sent me amazing people, some who kick-started me off in this journey and will never know how much they mean to me and others who I shower with praise day in and day out. I can do anything I want to do. I have been through hell and back in my life and somehow I still smile. I find strength to get up in the morning and make it through the day, knowing that it really can't get worse from here. Some days are struggle and some days are cloud 9 but I put one foot in front of the other and I found myself using blind faith and it worked, no more playing hide and seek with God.
You made me question what trust is, all you did was lie to me, made me want to jump ship. I gave everything I had and my life to these demons. Put all my pain in a box, couldn’t open up, couldn’t look at it, every time I felt sick. I would sit alone in my room and cry and slit my wrists or ponder drinking bleach because I didn't want to be in this body anymore, but this body is my own, my limbs are my branches and my skin is like a flower that brings beauty to this world. My mind is a garden, my soul is the wind, and my voice is louder than the ocean, I have people who actually love and support me. I have people who care about me and you will never know what that feels like. I'm not afraid to speak my truth or share my story because I have learned that I am never alone.
I am taking back my power, and I am using that power to say throughout all that anger and walls I put up that I forgive you. I forgive you for every little thing you have done to me. I pity you, I really do, and I hope before you die you find peace because first and foremost you are a human being and a moment is all it takes.
I am stronger now than I ever was and I have never been prouder of myself, so how am I doing today? Today I am infinite and that's all you will ever get to know about me because the best gift I've ever given you is silence and I'm finally taking it back.
