When the phone rang last night, I already knew it was you before I even glanced at the handset.
Rather than cringe at the thought of hearing your voice, I honestly welcomed the call. After months of begging you to discuss the issue that landed us in court today, I still—yes still to the very end held out hope that you were calling me last night to be civilized, mature and finally ready to craft a detailed action plan to help you on the path to success, mental-wellness and stability.
Surprisingly, I was even prepared to offer yet another apology, Kailee. One of many apologies for anything hurtful I may have spoken or any negative action on my part that caused you so much anger or resentment.
As we both know as you stand here today-- Unfortunately, that was not how the telephone conversation transpired.
You asked if I could drive you to court tomorrow. Without hesitation. Without a second’s hesitation, I agreed. But once I advised you that I was not able to pick you up from Germantown in the morning, your entire demeanor changed. I’m not going to apologize for making the remark during the call last night when I reiterated for probably the 300th time that you should be at home with your daughter rather than sleeping at your boyfriend’s house. Aside from the fact that Milana should see your face every morning and not mine is a no-brainier. Having you at home this morning would have made things very simplistic. But, as usual---it’s never simple.
The next statement I heard during the call was you telling me that “I better not prosecute you tomorrow”. “You better tell the prosecutor that I’ve been doing well, because you have no idea how fucked up you are going to make things for me if you don’t”.
“In fact, if you think I don’t help you around the house now and help you out with anything, trust me—it’s going to be 100-times worse for you because I ain’t really going to do shit bruh”. “Your fat ass is gonna see what’s good for real”.
At that point, I concluded the call. And just like a multitude of times over the past several years I sat on my bed and cried. But this time Kailee, I didn’t cry because I wanted the nightmare to end. I didn’t cry because I was emotionally exhausted, extremely battered and felt defeated. I cried because I knew in my heart that tomorrow I will be granted one of the most treasured gifts imaginable. The gift of finally being able to begin a much-needed journey with you, Kailee. A journey that I pray will be the life-saving, life changing and most compelling piece that has been missing for the past several years.
In writing a victim impact statement, I could spend the next several hours recounting the horrendous events that I’ve endured repeatedly at the hands of your “angry-self”. Through my shocking testimony alone and the countless videos and eyewitness accounts, I would easily receive offers to appear on Dr. Phil and no doubt land my very own reality show that would yield millions.
However, I know deep within the confines of my heart that you are aware of your egregious actions. You are very much aware.
Rather than focus on the torment you have caused myself and our family, I take this opportunity to try and convey positivity while you are standing here listening to what I am speaking--rather than me being interrupted, ignored or abused and disrespected while speaking.
Kailee. I am not perfect. I have made huge mistakes that I am not proud of. And believe me, I’m going to make plenty more. But, with each mistake I try and learn the message intended from those mistakes and as a result I try my best to improve.
I’m 46-years old Kailee. You are 19. As your Mother, I have done a lot of enabling over the years. During the last 7-years, I’ve sent you a strong message that it’s perfectly fine for a daughter to refer to her Mother as a bitch, whore, slut, broke-ass bitch, cunt and many other choice words that flow from your lips when I don’t comply with what Kailee wants me to do.
I lost my dear Mother---your Grandmother almost 6-years ago. I have the most beautiful memories of my Mother. Unfortunately, I no longer have the priceless figurine she gave me when I was 4-years old because in one of your fits of rage—you threw it at me and it smashed into pieces. The precious cross that hung graciously on the wall that took months to arrive from Jerusalem was also smashed into pieces too. The huge holes in the walls within our home are constant reminders of your many anger episodes. Some of the holes have since been repaired, but some holes remain.
I wanted you to know that I purposely left some holes in those walls because I knew way deep down that one day God would guide you to the path of righteousness. I know one day your mental health will be significantly improved to a point that you will have the courage to help me repair those holes in the wall.
I also know that one day, you will also look me in the eye and genuinely apologize for all the horrendous torment and pain you have caused.
And when that time comes, I will then look you in your eyes and thank-you for the courage you displayed and offer you my own apology too.
As I care for your precious daughter Milana each day, I am humbly reminded of the little girl that is standing before me today. I am reminded of all the beautiful gifts that you possess. I’ve witnessed your loving heart Kailee. Not a single act of love and kindness you bestow upon myself, your siblings or anyone else ever goes unnoticed. In fact, your tender heart is one of the dearest gifts you possess. Imagine if you could set aside the anger and bitterness you possess and turn the anger into positive influences.
You and I have had numerous discussions about your chronic marijuana use. I respect your opinion in relation to marijuana in general, Kailee—however I’ve reached the determination that your frequent daily marijuana use is indeed one of the most significant reasons you have exhibited such negative and destructive behavior.
Your marijuana use is so profound that you have allowed your addiction to come before parenting your daughter, holding a job and functioning as a normal young adult.
It is not normal to smoke marijuana over 10-times each day. It is not normal to discover remnants of your marijuana use in just about every inch of our home and even the vehicle that we so graciously allowed you to use to commute to work. You couldn’t possibly see all the negative affects your addiction to marijuana has caused because your mind is so clouded by a substance that has taken complete control of you. I am confident that once you learn how to function without the extreme daily need to smoke marijuana each day and discover how much more productive you can be, your life will improve in ways you never imagined possible.
I also realize that you and I have a lot of personal issues that we need to address and work on in order to rehabilitate our relationship so that we may be whole again.
Our personal issues will not be resolved overnight Kailee. Our issues are rooted very deep. I tell you today Kailee, that your issues have always became my issues.
As your Mother, I love you unconditionally. Despite the physical abuse, the mental abuse and even the horrible events that have happened which now have plagued our family because of your actions---I still to this very moment and for eternity---love you unconditionally.
As a Mother to you and your 6-siblings, I long for the day that we all can sit at one table and enjoy each other’s company, take a family vacation together and most importantly reach a point to where we are not at war with one another.
Our family is blessed far, far beyond measure. Your oldest brother’s life was spared recently as God chose to gift Joe a chance at recovery from his heroin addiction.
Your sister Amanda has become a loving, caring Mother to your Niece and for the first-time has held a full-time job as she works to build a meaningful life.
It is my deepest desire to see you and Amanda forge a renewed relationship. To have a sister 19-months older than yourself and to share two beautiful daughters only 13-months apart is the most priceless gifts ever, Kailee.Instead of chasing the next “smoke-up”, I pray that you will look forward to the next time you and your sister can spend time together with your daughters doing meaningful things together. Things that will cause you to appreciate and value the life that you have. I want you to look forward to sitting down with me as Mother and Daughter as we spend meaningful time together.
Dropping by once or twice a week to shower and change clothes and seeing your daughter for a brief time before running off to participate in meaningless things is not healthy, Kailee.
Smoking marijuana all day, hanging out with your boyfriend and your friends daily is not beneficial whatsoever.
The life you are currently living has destroyed a significant part of your mental well-being. If your life continues in the current direction, I can assure you that tragedy is indeed imminent.
I know the thought of you being told what to do has always been challenging. But, the issue that landed us here today wasn’t a one-time occurrence either.
Your actions in the past have left a path of destruction. You should consider yourself fortunate that the past events don’t have to dictate your future.
Just as I have promised to help you and I reiterate “Help” you raise Milana, the promise remains. What I will no longer do from this day forward is fear you.
I commit to you that I will do my best to ensure you are able to attend your appointments regularly by way of communicating with you and I would also like to attend counseling sessions with you in the future if you agree.Your rehabilitation is not a joke, Kailee. I want to stress right now that the issue before the court today is not just an issue with you and your brother as you have managed to think. It’s also not an issue with your brother’s issues either.
We are before the court today to address YOUR issues. Issues that have manifested for far too long.
In closing, I want to thank you for allowing me this time to express my feelings, Kailee. There are so many other words that I could continue to speak, however I am pleased with having the opportunity today for you to listen to my thoughts and feelings. My words speak directly from my heart to yours.
I will never leave nor forsake you, Kailee and never forget that neither will Christ.
I am here for you Kailee until my final breath. And even in death I will stand watch over you.
It has been one of my biggest fears that you will die before me, Kailee. The worry, agony, loss of sleep weighing heavy on my mind daily as I witness the enemy destroy you.
The enemy has no power over you, Kailee. Today is a new beginning. My prayers have been answered and I will now pray that God enables you to appreciate the gift you’ve been given here today and I thank God most of all for the gift He gave to me when He chose me to be the Mother to a beautiful, intelligent, loving and most of all worthy daughter.
With love for always,
~Mom
