Dear Little Brother,
I saved you last night.
I drove to you. I found you. I kicked in someone's door, who was just as far gone as you. I stood up to that KID. I got you out of there. And for a moment, you were safe. For a moment, I was able to protect you.
But it was all a dream.
I woke up, in tears, and cold chills, thinking about where you could be.
Did I do this? Is it because I wasn't here?
Did I do this? Is it because you needed a friend, and your big sister was off in college trying to make a life for herself, and wasn't here to keep you straight?
Did I do this? Did I forget to tell you that I love you?
Did I do this?
Blaming myself becomes easier and easier as I lay here and think about the empty bed in the room next to me. I just want you home. Safe.
We had planned our lives together. We were both so excited to be adults, together.
Or at least you put on a good act. You made me believe that you cared. You made me believe that you wanted to be better. That you could be better.
And even now, as I write this to you, I think about the wonderful times we shared. I remember the way your laugh sounds. The silly rhymes and jokes you told.
I think about the goals you had planned. The goals I have planned. I know that even though you're not here, you think about our family.
And you will, because no one can love you like your family.
But I wonder, do you lay awake at night thinking about the pain in my heart? The pain that we all feel.
Because no one can hurt you like your family.
No one.
Are you reading this, right now, thinking, "did I do this?"
Sincerely,
Your Big Sister
