You know who you are and you may come across this. Knowing you, you'll keep scrolling and not take the time to even acknowledge I exist. I debated on even taking the time to write anything, I could have sent it text message, through the mail, or not at all.. But for our daughters peace of mind I chose to openly write it. She deserves it. We all want answers and you can't seem to give any, but put me aside and she deserves the answers. Why? Why didn't you show up to the hospital? Why didn't you ask about her when she was in the er? Why do you ignore the pictures you receive of her? Why do you pretend she doesn't exist? Why did you never ask to even see her? Why isn't she good enough for you?
I don't even know where to begin.. It all started out of no where, it went too fast too soon and before we knew it we had a little girl coming. To give you the benefit of the doubt, we weren't exactly sure what happened when. But despite that, you made me think everything would be so simple. Come to find out it was all a joke to you. You played me like a board game. I believed your lies. I believed it when you said you felt bad that I was taking care of a one year old alone and 8 months pregnant. I believed you when you asked how I was feeling. I believed you when you said you'd be there for me and the baby. I believed you that you'd help out whenever I needed it. As time went on you slowly stopped texting. The calls for shorter and the texts got fewer. You missed every appointment, every heartbeat, every ultra sound, every measurement. You missed the c section. You missed the newborn photos. You missed the car ride home. You missed her first time rolling over. You missed her first little baby giggles.
I guess I just don't understand. You have a daughter already, you know the joy a little girl brings. You know the love a little girl feels for her daddy. How can you love and support one and not the other. Since when did it become a choice?
I just wonder, do you think about what she looks like when she smiles? Do you think about how her dimples look when she laughs? How her eyes get all squinty when she laughs? Or when she stares at people she doesn't know? How bout the way she recognizes faces already? Do you sit and wonder what she's doing at any given moment? Do you wonder what your life would be like with her in it? Do you wonder how much joy and happiness she would actually bring you, your life, your family, and her other sister. I just wonder if you realize you're missing her first steps, her first time eating real food, her first time in a big girl seat, in the stroller, going to preschool, high school, prom, sports, everything.. You're missing everything. Do you even care?
On the other hand, thank you. Thank you for making me realize I am super mom. I fail at times and I get upset with myself trying to do so much at once but I can do it. I manage to succeed every day. Thank you for making me punch post partum depression in the face and get over it. It was the hardest thing to come to terms with but I did it. I had to get my act together when I had no one to rely on with helping with her but yet I couldn't seem to form a connection with her when she needed me the most. I felt awful and I couldn't shake it. But after realizing it was her and I against the world somehow I figured it out and now we have a Bond no one can broke. I get up wth her every night. I feed her every day. I bathe her every night. I provide what she needs and wants. Without you. Without your help. I make sure she's at all her appointments. I make sure her doctors get paid. I make sure she's up to date on her shots. I'll be the one taking her to school, I'll be sitting at her sporting events, I'll be at her school plays, I'll be holding her hand for shots, I'll be the one she runs to when she's sad or upset. When she needs help with homework or just wants to snuggle. I'll be the one she leans on, I'll be the one she looks up to for motivation and as her role model.
I know you won't read this and if you do you'll roll your eyes half way thru it but for our daughters sake it's worth trying to somehow put the last year into words. This doesn't even cover it but it helps me incase for some reason I'm not around to explain to her why I am her mommy and daddy because when she gets older and wants to know why her sister gets to go see her daddy and she doesn't I'm the one that has to tell her and try to convince her innocent soul that this isn't her fault. It's not that she wasn't good enough for you, it's that you weren't good enough for her!
Just remember though that while your living your carefree life, and doing as you please choosing not to be a father, I'm sitting at home with our daughter in my arms as she crys later on the road wondering why she wasn't loved and wanted, why you chose yourself over her, why you were okay with walking away from her, why you couldn't step up and be a parent. I'll be the one holding her wiping her eyes, I'll be the strong one for her, so when you picture her, if you ever do, don't just picture the good your missing, picture the bad you're putting her through at the moment, picture her on a bad day. Picture her in trouble not listening to me and needing her dad to reiterate her punishment and be stern. Picture me breaking down because she's a teenager with a sassy attitude who knows more than I do. Just picture everything that you could have witnessed and just know we're doing this without you. Not by choice but were successful and were the best duo. Just know you're missing a very beautiful baby turning into a girl, who will turn into a beautiful woman one day. You're missing everything from the first breath to the last breath.
