An open letter to the England Football Squad

Subject: An open letter to the England Football Squad
From: DK
Date: 31 Mar 2015

Dear England Football Squad,

Now, as you may know, I am not really a fan of football but I did, by chance, catch the second half of the Ecuador game and some of the Portugal game. I know that it seems presumptious, but I was wondering if I could offer you a spot of advice?

When you run down the wing, please don't pass the ball into the centre if there is no England player there. This particularly applies to you, Wayne, when you are playing as the only forward: if you have the ball, there won't be another forward in the centre because you are it!* If there is no England player there, then you are simply going to give it to the opposing team, and they aren't going to obligingly kick it into their own fucking goal now, are they? No, Wayne, they aren't.

This may seem really basic advice but it does seem to me that if the lot of you could actually just engage your brains a wee bit we might start winning games through something other than pure, fucking luck. As it is, I feel like I am watching a bunch of automatons who are utterly unable to think for themselves and I am unable to feel any joy in winning because you are such a bunch of fucking raspberries.

If you want to see how football should be played, can I recommend that you watch the Mexico versus Argentina game: even I enjoyed watching that one.