An open letter to the best and most amazing friend I lost,
My mind is full of words now, words that are mixed up and I don't even know where to start. Maybe, to be able for me to express myself I have to start with where we left.
Lost. That's what I am right at this moment of my life. When I lost the most amazing friend I had, I also lost myself. Well, if I think about it maybe I have always been lost. Maybe I was already lost in the beginning that's why I lost you. I guess, if I'd like to find out I need to look back at what was.
I was browsing through the pages of my high school year book when I thought "who was I back then before I became someone that even my bestfriend would have a reason to remove me from her life". My classmates described me as someone who is "undeniably a true gentleman with a pleasant and respectable attitude", they also said that even though I prefer to be quiet, there are times that I was very fun to be with. They said that I was kind, approachable and thoughtful... reasons why I was gifted to have tons of friends who are always there to love me. I know those were the reasons too why we became bestfriends.
Looking at myself right now, my 16 year-old self would probably be disappointed. Those good things that people say about me, they're not true anymore. "Kind", "approchable", yeah in exchange of something. "Thoughtful", I don't even think before I speak. I act without thinking about the effects of my action. "True gentleman with a pleasant and respectable attitude", I don't even have the right attitude to show respect. Fact is I got drifted away from who I really was. I allowed all my problems and all the negativity to drag me down which changed the man I am. I am no longer the man of my word but rather the man of lies. I can no longer be trusted. I'm no longer the person you met sixteen months ago.
You have always reminded me that everything happens for a reason and that it is always for the better. Throughout the months that we've known eachother, a lot has happened. There were ups and downs. But mostly downs since sixty percent of the time that we became friends I was working on an international merchant vessel. It's just sad to see our friendship end. Nakakalungkot lang talaga na sa kabila ng lahat ng pinagsamahan natin, meron pa din palang katapusan ang pagiging magkaibigan natin. Napakasakit lang din na natapos ang pagiging magkaibigan natin dahil sa mga pagkakamali ko. With what happened to us, minulat mo yung bulag kong mata ko sa katotohanan. Naging ignorante ako, naging makasarili ako. Ngayon, alam kong hindi na pala ako yung tao na nakilala mo noon. Napakadami kong dapat ayusin sa sarili ko, with who I am. Yung personality ko. Yung pagkatao ko. Nakakalungkot man ang mga nangyari pero nagpapasalamat na din ako sayo dahil ngayon nagising na ako sa katotohanan.
The very last time we talked, I disappointed you. I heard you cry and that was the last thing I heard from you. Your cry. After that hindi na tayo muling nagkausap pa. You stopped replying to my texts. I know the reason for that would be because you've had enough of me. I was just to toxic and too blind to realize what's really happening.
Siguro tapos na ang lahat, wala nang dapat pang ayusin pa. Nagpaalam na din ako sayo at nangako sa boyfriend mo na hindi na kita aabalahin pa.
Pero alam mo, sa kabila niyan umaasa pa din ako na sana kapag naibalik ko na yung dating ako maging parte ulit ako ng mundo mo at maging magkaibigan ulit tayo.
If not, siguro totoo nga ang nabasa ko sa isang libro "We were all heading for each other on a collision course, no matter what. Maybe some people are just meant to be in the same story. "
I got what I deserve and I guess that's enough for me. Kasi alam mo, para akong isang kriminal na hinatulan ng habang buhay na pagkakakulong. Guilty, at habang buhay ko ding pagsisihan ang lahat ng ginawa ko. I have no excuse with the things I've done, and I still am sorry for everything. I hope you can forgive me one more time.
If you have read and reached this part of my letter, thank you!
Now I can say that "and then I realized that adventures are the best way to learn" -dnbc
We had one hell of an adventure Chichi,
Blacky
