Dear America,
Happy Birthday! How was it? Did you party hard? Do you feel another year older? Are you like, “Whoa, okay, cool it on the celebrations, guys” or are you like, “PARTY ON AMERICA” because it’s your birthday and you can do what you want? (For the record, the 4th of July is my half-birthday but yeah, I mean, your birthday is obviously what we are celebrating here, I just wanted you to know. I didn’t expect a gift or anything).
How are you feeling about the fireworks this year? Americans love fireworks. The promise of a fireworks show is probably just about every American’s favorite part about your birthday party. Fireworks and also the food. How was the food this year? What did you make? What did you eat? How much of the food was red, white, and blue? Hot dog, hamburger, or both? (I hope it was both!). Did you remember to wear sunscreen? That’s like so important — they even made that song about wearing sunscreen. At least I think that’s what the song was about. Or maybe actually it was about graduating? You know it’s still unclear to me. Do you guys know what song I’m talking about, America?
How was your birthday outfit this year? Stars? Stripes? Red, white, and/or blue? Those are great colors by the way. Obviously they’re great because all these other awesome countries like England and France and other ones (I forget which ones) have the same colors in their flag. So we’re in good company. Also England and France are the countries we were birthed from, so that’s cool. I like English people and French people.
Or did you wear jorts and a cowboy hat and a denim vest because that is also super American and super awesome. That’s the other great thing about your birthday party — it’s always a theme party and it’s either color-themed or you can dress like a cowboy because that’s one of the most American things there is and who doesn’t want to dress like a cowboy? Everyone does! They may not realize it at first but seriously, cowboys know what’s up.
I like how America is full of so many different people. People from everywhere! That’s what freedom looks like, right? Just different people everywhere? That’s cool. Your birthday party is so much fun every year that all these different people celebrate you. That’s pretty great. You’re great.
When I was a little I wanted to be all these things when I grew up: Astronaut, Actress, Figure Skater, Champion Ballroom Dancer, Opera Singer, Astronomer, Marine Biologist, Forensic Pathologist, FBI Agent, News Anchor, TV Show Host, Reporter, Writer, President. That’s the American Dream — all the things we want to be and all the things we will be.
America, I salute you!
Patriotic regards,
Stamos
