Sometime around three years ago, I was living in a hotel room. I was completely disconnected from anyone that I had ever known or established friendship with. I was off of every single form of social media. I did not have a cell phone. I did not have any money. I had no one to turn to. No one to talk to. I had dropped out of high school, and my life seemed to be in shambles.
Killing myself was a daily thought. I used to try to reconcile in my head and give myself reasons to actually go through with it. I practiced writing suicide notes everyday. I would go out and take walks very early in the morning and look at the cars bustling by on the interstate and wonder if I should just jump out in front of one of them and end it all right there.
It was a complicated situation. If I were to dive into the details I'd only waste the time of those of you who would try to understand why a 17 year old would be in these circumstances. Even if I were to attempt to tell the whole story, most of you reading it would be tempted not to believe it. It might also cause you to have hostility towards me and some of the decisions I made during that time. It's very easy to point fingers and I've learned as I've grown older to never do that. The fact is that I deserve most of the blame for the spot I was in.
You might be sitting there wondering why exactly I'm writing this and why on earth I would want to post this. Your first inclination would be to assume that this is for attention, and I don't blame you for thinking that. I want to make it clear that attention is the last thing I aim to gain from this. In fact, it's an incredibly embarrassing thing for me to talk about. I've never been able to truly talk openly about what happened during that time in my life. Not even my closest friends really know or have been told about any aspect of my experience during that time.
When you're a high school dropout, people tend to look at you a different way. They assign negative connotations onto you and immediately question your intelligence and your life skills. They often make no effort to understand the circumstances in your life around that particular time. So by posting this, I am raising questions in a lot of peoples minds about the kind of person I am.
Fortunately for myself and unfortunately for them, I do not care in the least about what anyone has to say.
I have turned my life around dramatically. I went from being in and out of homelessness and having no real purpose or path in life whatsoever to being a student of the fifth ranked public university in the United States.
So still, what is the point of this? Why am I writing this? Who is meant to read this or even care?
To the ones who kept me alive.
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