Today I read the news about a young woman whom was sexually assaulted behind a dumpster at a frat party. She was completely unconscious, yet her attacker maintained she had given consent. This hit hard for me. Since there is much you don’t know about me some of which you will never know, you wouldn’t understand why it hit me so hard to read this news. But I am going to share with you and the world something very few know. I am also a victim of a sexual assault. So when I read this story, I, like most victims, immediately had my own experiences and memories rush back into my mind. Into the pit of my stomach. I felt instantly sickened for her, for myself and for every woman who has ever been a victim of any sexual abuse or assault.
So I am writing to you today to help you get an understanding of what I want for you as you continue to grow into the amazing young men I know you will be. I want you to know the amount of pain, guilt, shame, and overall dislike for your own skin that a victim of any sexual assault feels for the rest of their lives.
I trust that you already know that no means no. I am not going to talk about that. I want to talk about the gray areas that maybe we haven’t covered. Some of which is my own fault because until the past two years I actually didn’t talk AT ALL about what happened to me. I buried it deep inside and let it eat away at me until I didn’t know how to control it anymore.
You may be faced with a situation where you and your friends are drinking. I am not saying don’t do drink. What I want you to remember is drinking lowers your inhibitions. It also lowers your ability to rationalize. So if you are in a situation where you and a girl are contemplating having sexual relations. Please, I beg this of you, dig as deep as possible to grab your rationale and make sure she is actually giving consent. Make certain there is no room for interpretation. If at any point during your relations she becomes less coherent than she previously was, STOP. Alcohol sometimes takes a while to kick in so maybe when you started she was actively giving consent but then the alcohol starts making her less and less coherent, still awake, just not the same as she was when you started. STOP!
Sex is something both parties should be consenting to the ENTIRE time. It is something two people should be enjoying together. I know you are reading this thinking DUH, I know all of this. And I am glad, but I want you to remember it later, when it matters.
Remember this letter from your mom telling you every choice you make affects someone. And if you aren’t sure you have consent 100% of the time then stop because you may not and you may be affecting her for the rest of her life.
Remember that I am telling you, even today there are times thinking about what happened to me more than 20 plus years ago I burst into tears. Remember that I am telling you I am writing this with tears in my eyes now. Remember that I am telling you every time I read stories like the one I read today, I cry and feel like my assault is happening to me all over again because it takes me back to my memories that I have to actively work every single day of my life to push down and be a normal functioning working adult.
And please know that I don’t think you are some sexual deviant. I just know what it feels like to have your body violated and I want to make sure you know that there may be a time when you don’t even think it was assault but if you look back on it and if there was ever a moment when you weren’t sure that you still had 100% consent then it is indeed assault. Because at that moment that is when she feels like she is not in control of her body anymore. Please no matter how hot the moment feels always take a moment to look at the situation and ensure you have her consent.
I love you both and know you will be amazing men one day.
~mom
